


She cares so much, she calls me love.

by Shut_up_Heather3



Series: Six [1]
Category: Six - Marlow/Moss
Genre: Emotional Manipulation, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, Gen, Mother-Daughter Relationship, Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-07-17
Updated: 2021-01-05
Packaged: 2021-03-05 00:54:12
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 28,484
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25325704
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Shut_up_Heather3/pseuds/Shut_up_Heather3
Summary: Jane had a need to take care of someone. She was a great mother- or at least would have been a great mother if given the chance.So it was destiny when poor Katherine Howard- traumatized and in need of parenting- came to her.Jane found someone who was always going to need her, and this time she won't let go.***Katherine Howard was used to being something people want. Sometimes people needed a doll to touch and squeeze.So it was destiny when caring Jane Seymour- sweet and missing her child- came to her.Sometimes people needed a doll to mother.
Relationships: Anne Boleyn & Katherine Howard, Anne of Cleves & Katherine Howard, Catherine of Aragon & Jane Seymour, Katherine Howard & Jane Seymour
Series: Six [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2073984
Comments: 99
Kudos: 127





	1. Maybe this is it

**Author's Note:**

> Hi, this is my first time ever writing and I'm super nervous:)  
> I love mother/daughter Jane and Katherine relationship. But I have seen Katherine get really infantilized in many works, and it made me think, what if she doesn't like it or need it so much? What if the queens treat Kat like a child more and more to the point they don't even consider her an equal anymore? What if their relationship is more about Jane than it is about Kitty?  
> So in this will be exploring a Emotionally Abusive Jane, when she refuses to let Kitty grow up until the point of Kitty herself thinking of her as a child and not managing to do things alone.
> 
> Thank you so so much to my AMAZING Beta reader @cynicalrainbows. You're so kind and so talented, thank you a lot for giving me the courage to write and post this.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi, this is my first time ever writing and I'm super nervous:)  
> I love mother/daughter Jane and Katherine relationship. But I have seen Katherine get really infantilized in many works, and it made me think, what if she doesn't like it or need it so much? What if the queens treat Kat like a child more and more to the point they don't even consider her an equal anymore? What if their relationship is more about Jane than it is about Kitty?  
> So in this will be exploring a Emotionally Abusive Jane, when she refuses to let Kitty grow up until the point of Kitty herself thinking of her as a child and not managing to do things alone.
> 
> Thank you so so much to my AMAZING Beta reader @cynicalrainbows. You're so kind and so talented, thank you a lot for giving me the courage to write and post this.

There wasn't a person alive who could have rescued Katherine Howard from her fate. She had spent days pondering over her history, but there was nothing she could have done to change her destiny.  
Somehow Katherine's short life was doomed since it's beginning: from the family she was born into- social climbers with more kids than they could take care of, to the inexperienced executioner assigned to cut her neck.

Henry Mannox's music lessons- his hand on her thigh, her lute long forgotten on the floor. The Dowager Duchess's household- her step grandmother had taken way too long to protect her from the stern Francis Dereham. Henry Tudor's court- she had never had a chance. _"No will but his"_. She was always in the wrong place at the wrong time. Therefore, far too early Katherine realized her life would not have a happy ending.

She was right.

That was why Katherine was terrified at the idea of getting another chance. Another "bland and uneventful life", in the words of her cousin. Katherine herself would describe her life as painful. 

When she reincarnated with the five ex-wives of the man who beheaded her, it was in less than ideal circumstances. There were confrontations at first. A lot of them. Screaming and crying was also not uncommon in their household.

_"Oh so I'm the whore? You're no better than me, Seymore!! Don't forget you were also a mistress and get the fuck off your high horse!"_

_"How could you!? My daughter trusted you. She was a child! You were supposed to protect her!"_

_"I was not 'weak'. I was a good wife! I was the one he truly loved because I played my part well. If you had done that, he wouldn't have thrown you out!"_

So one could imagine Katherine's surprise when- for the first time in both of her lives- she felt _truly_ safe and content in the arms of another.

"Are you sure you don't need me to accompany you, love? It will be no trouble." Jane's words awakened Katherine from her daydreams: she looked up and smiled brightly. The blonde's heart warmed at the sight, she loved that she was able to make the girl smile so easily.

Since Jane had researched her son two months ago, she had been so gentle with Katherine, and found herself feeling oddly content whenever there was an opportunity to pamper the youngest. She could still remember when it all started.

******

She had finished listening to her last audiobook: "Edward VI: The Lost King of England". Her poor baby had died so young. So alone- none of the other queens after her were mothers to the prince. Catherine Parr had tried, but obviously that wasn't the same as a _proper_ mother. How Jane wished she could be a proper mother now.

Then, as if on cue, she heard soft cries breaking the night's silence. She followed the muffled sobs to the youngest queen's door. The queen who was never in any fights, who was always smiling softly and who rarely spoke, and never in anything other than low and pleasant tones. It was as if she was scared of being anything other than pretty and gracious.

The blonde opened the door slowly, without knocking, and tensed at the doorway when she saw big scared eyes locking with hers tearfully. Jane had never been good at talking- words were not her strong suit. So she approached slowly and opened her arms to the crying girl, pleased when there was only a small hesitation before the girl launched herself into her embrace. It occurred to her that the poor kid also died young and alone- like her Edward. Was that why it felt so good to sense Katherine slowly relaxing in her arms? Was it possible that she saw Jane as a true source of comfort and security- everything she couldn't give her own boy?

"Shhh, don't worry, my baby. I'll not leave you again."

They stayed like that until both had fallen asleep.

Both of them failed to notice that those words were not meant for Katherine. Maybe that was the first mistake.

******

"I'm sure, Annie and Anna are coming with me. Thanks, Mom" Katherine froze instantly before she could stop the words coming out of her mouth. She had called Jane "Mom", she hadn't meant to do that. Sure, the older queen had made her feel safer than any of the others- maybe more than anyone in her past life too. Since their bonding night, the pink queen has been following Jane everywhere- she thought of Jane as warm, loving and wise. Jane was so sweet and made sure that she was ok. Wasn't that the same as a Mom? Of course, she wouldn't know. Her own mother died before she was too young to remember, and her grandmother hadn't ever really stepped up to the job.  
All at once, Katherine began to spiral with the anxiety that never seemed to leave her. What if Jane didn't see her that way? Or worse, what if Jane got cross with her for trying to fill a space that didn't belong to her? The blonde had been so sensitive about her son, about her lack of motherhood, and maybe Katherine would be making it even more painful.

But Jane was only slightly taken aback by the new title. Jane smiled brighter than ever and even cuddled her closer! She didn't say anything else, Katherine knew she was still making progress on the "explaining feelings thing"... but that was more than enough. 

  
Maybe _this is it._

She knew that this time was _different_.

Sure, the beginning was hard for all of them. But among the fights came reconciliations, nights accompanied by wine and tears, heart to heart conversations and finally forgiveness. They were all doing better than ever. They even started to work on a show to tell their story. 

_"Anna, stop giving away your money! That's not what Monopoly is about!"_

_"I'm the oldest so I decide! Anne, Cathy is right. So now stop throwing food at the dinner table, por favor"_

_"Jane, someone not me ate the last cookies. Could you please bake some more before Catalina comes back? I promised I'd leave it for her"_

They were now _family_! 

Katherine had gained a best friend, a cousin, a mother and two friends!

_She's finally where she's meant to be._

*************

It was a very lovely morning for Katherine.

She went on a early run with Anna- she didn't know what her best friend liked so much about getting sweaty by running in circles, only to come back to where she had left in the first place, but since the red queen had sworn to herself that she was going to "treat her body like a temple", Kat had agreed that she would accompany the woman.   
("You should stop looking at those hipsters lifestyle blogs" said Cathy.) 

When they were back sitting at the breakfast table, Katherine was put in an even better mood to be in between her favorite people... even if they were bickering.

"Who knew the gremlin Anne Boleyn could cook, especially this well?" Anna said, in between mouthfuls of French toast.

Anne let out a soft gasp which could have been fake offended- although Katherine doubted that, seeing as her cousin was still getting used to not having to keep her guard up in order to defend herself against implied insults.  
Surely being hated by the whole country had definitely done her no good.

Anne threw a strawberry from her plate straight at Anna's face, only half-jokingly. She held her head high, clearly expecting a fight.

Luckily, for everyone's sake, she didn't get one: Anna just chuckled lightly and ate the fruit thrown at her happily. They knew sometimes Anne's temperament could get the better of her, and were all working together to help the green queen. That included not participating in petty bickering.

That was something Anne and Cathy had in common, the need to argue and question everything. Katherine didn't have that.

At the sight of her baby cousin's giggles, Anne slowly began to put her walls down. "Whoever questions my cookennes again gets one of those", she said playfully, narrowing her eyes and pointing another strawberry at the queens. Turbulent Anne was back!

"That's not a word." Cathy mumbled, obviously pained by Anne's deliberate lack of linguistic skills.

Katherine laughed once more before she finally had the chance to eat her own breakfast. She was delighted to taste chocolate between her French toasts. It was a weekday, surely Catalina and Jane didn't approve chocolate for breakfast! When Kat raised her head in surprise, she made eye contact with Anne, who winked at her in conspiracy. 

Yes, today was going to be a great day.

****

By the end of their meal everybody was in perfect humor.

"I want everyone at the door in forty minutes for rehearsal. No, Cathy, it's not enough time for you to 'read just a little'. And no, Anne, I don't care if Kat doesn't respect the 'bathroom line', there's no such thing, who gets there first, showers first-" Catalina was interrupted by the cousins abruptly getting up, ready to race each other to the bathroom."No! You two will wash your own dishes before getting ready, like the rest of us." Both queens froze, as if held spellbound by Catalina's sharp tone, before running to get their plate.

There was more than one bathroom in the house, and to be honest Katherine wouldn't really have minded being the last one to shower, but the innocent competitions had been one of the things to bring the cousins together at first. Who'd eat the most cookies, who'd get to the theater first, who'd run faster to the door; if Anne started a competition, Katherine was sure to be close behind, giggling.

But before Kat could get to her plate, Jane took it first.   
"I'll wash yours. Go on, Kitty, run before Anne catches you!" The blonde laughed at the youngest's triumphant expression.

Before Anne could point out that this wasn't fair and that was actually close to cheating, Katherine had already spoken over her.

"Thank you so much, Mom!" With that, the pink queen was gone, already on her way to the bathroom, unaware that she had left a slightly awkward silence in the dining room. After Katherine was out of earshot, Catalina broke the silence.

"Mom?"

"Kitty?" Cathy added, leaving Jane embarrassed, not knowing exactly what they wanted her to say. Anna's neutral stare didn't help either, especially when she narrowed her eyes at Jane's long silence.

"She said I make her feel safe... and that I'm the mother she wishes she had in her past life... So I let her call me that. "  
Ok, technically Katherine had never said that, not with those words at least, but Anna's silent implication that her best friend calling Jane "Mom" could be anything other than good made Jane feel defensive. She was a great mother, or would have been a great mother at least, and Katherine _needed_ a parental figure- she was still a child and didn't know how to take care of herself- so why not her?

"I think that will be great for Katherine. The poor child went through too much, she's still young and needs a mother. You're being very kind, Jane" Catherine once again broke the tense silence. Her words were soon met with noises of agreement from the others- even Anna, who was slowly starting to look more accepting.

Jane smiled at her best friend's reassuring words. Katherine had gone through too much! Katherine _did_ need a mother! Jane was going to help her. Jane was going to take all that pain away and never let that girl feel helpless ever again! Only a _proper mother_ would be able to do that.

By the time Jane had gotten ready to take a shower, Katherine was already finished with hers. When they met at the bathroom door, the youngest's always-present, forced little smile (as if she was permanently ready to have her portrait painted) became genuine at the sight of the blonde.

"Janey, could we please do that fancy braid again today? It was so pretty last time!"  
Brushing and braiding Katherine's hair had become one of the pair's favorites bonding activities- along with cuddling while Kat watched tv and Jane knitted. When one of them was feeling sad, they'd look up the most complicated braid they could find on the internet and spend more than an hour trying to execute it. Katherine liked the feeling of fingers running through her hair, Jane was always so gentle; lost in her thoughts, she'd handle the hair like it belonged to the most delicate porcelain doll on earth.

"Of course, sweetie. Let me just get ready and then we do it right before leaving, ok?" With a hug of thanks, Katherine went back to her pre-rehearsal routine.  
Not that she had a very big routine anymore. She used to make snacks and pack her bag for the day like the others, but Jane did that for both of them now. This had first begun after several failed attempts from Katherine- one day she'd forget her water, the next she'd pack expired snacks, and then she'd leave the house without a coat. The older queen was really kind-hearted and had one day decided she'd take that job from now on.

Jane insisted it was no trouble and would always make Katherine's sandwich with so much care and love. She wondered if maybe that was why people said that food made with love tasted better- that food made by Mom's tasted better. Sure, sometimes Katherine felt like buying snacks from the vending machines like Anne and Cathy, and sometimes she didn't want to eat _all_ the vegetables Jane put in her lunch. But she reminded herself that Jane was making her food with _maternal love_ and that Jane knew what was best for her. So Katherine made sure to be grateful every single time.

The pink queen had been waiting for her maternal figure in the room for a while, when she was scared by a loud voice coming from downstairs.

"CATHY, I SWEAR IF YOU MAKE US TAKE RUSH HOUR AGAIN I'LL PERSONALLY BURN THAT LAPTOP. WHOEVER IS NOT AT THE DOOR IN EXACTLY SEVEN MINUTES WILL TAKE OUT THE TRASH FOR A MONTH." Anne yelled into the house's megaphone, which she and Anna had purchased on their first shopping trip. Besides them, Cathy was the only one who didn't mind it- she thought it was fascinating since it was truly an easier method of talking to everyone without wasting time. But overall, the other three queens hated it; Kat and Jane were always taken by surprise by the sound, and Catalina had tried to break it more than once.

"Anne, you can't make a competition and put your chore as the penalty. And stop talking into that bloody thing, your voice is already annoying enough as it is," came Catherine's irritated response, easily heard by the youngest queen.

Katherine quickly started braiding her own hair. She did Not want to make her and Jane late or anger anyone today, the morning was too perfect to be designated as the trash taker for the month- or worse, be scolded by Catherine. It was difficult at first without Jane, but she settled for a simpler style and managed to finish it before the seven minutes mark, just as Jane entered the room in a rush.

"We can do this really quickly, sit on the bed and turn-" She stopped herself at the sight of Katherine who sat with a proud smile, properly tidied and braided. "Who did this?" The youngest's smile only grew at the confused tone.

"Me," she answered enthusiastically, waiting for Jane's praises. When they did not come, and the blonde's expression changed from questioning to neutral, Katherine happily provided more details- Jane probably didn't understand that she had successfully braided her hair alone for the first time! "I did it myself!"

"I thought I was going to do that?" Jane's tone confused the girl. It was strangely neutral, as if it was still deciding what emotion it should have.

"Yeah, but I figured how to do it myself so we wouldn't be lat-"

"I told you I was going to do it, so I know whether we have time or not. If you didn't want me to do it you just had to say so." There it was. Jane's cold voice. The only voice she had used with all the queens except Catalina from a long time when they first came back. Katherine bent her head like a confused puppy. It was weird for her to be on the receiving end of that voice. That wasn't supposed to happen, Jane was supposed to be proud of her and praise her for the pretty braid! She was supposed to tell everyone at the theater how Katherine had done her hair all on her own. 

"No no, I was just trying to help. I didn't think you'd mind!"

Jane opened her mouth, either to praise or scold her, but Katherine would never know which because before she had the chance, Catalina's voice sounded instead.

"I'll literally lock the door in thirty seconds, whoever is not out will be stuck inside! Cathy, querida, please hurry. I want to lock Anne in, not you."

Jane seemed to want to say something, but as Cathy ran through the corridor, passing in front of their door, she gave up.

"Come." With that, she headed quickly out of the room.

Katherine followed her, practically running to get to her side. She tried to take the blonde's hand, as she normally did, but the second they made contact, Jane snatched her hand away. She did not see the girl's scared wide eyes behind her.

She intended to ask Jane why she was so cross with her when they got to the bottom of the stairs -where the rest of the queens already waited for them- but when Jane took her backpack and turned to hand it to Kat, she was smiling.

"I made your favorite sandwich, sweetheart. I hope you like it." Her voice was nowhere near as sweet as it would usually be at that moment- Jane seemed to love to make snacks for the young girl- but it wasn't cold like before either. Katherine was confused, was she in trouble or not?

"O-oh, thank you..." For some reason, that response was the wrong one. Jane's jaw tightened and she turned around to join the others at the other side of the door. Sure, she was smiling, but she didn't respond with her usual "anytime, love", or fondled Kat's face. Didn't that mean she was cross? Katherine wondered if the other noticed too. They did not.

****

They were on their way to the theater, all of them in separate conversation with each other, except Katherine. She was quiet, feeling unprotected and anxious. Jane was not holding her hand! She could get lost or kidnapped at the underground station and none of them would notice because no one was looking after her! Now, the last thing she wanted to do was be arguing with her mother figure. Did Jane even want to be her mother figure now? Was that why she hadn't spoken or even looked at Kat since they left the house?

Katherine tried holding her hand again, and to her luck, this time Jane didn't pull away, but she didn't hold hers back either.  
The pink queen gave her time, but after two minutes of walking the blonde's hand was still opened, without acknowledging the little fingers trying to tangle with hers. The underground station was getting close! So many people.  
Kat tugged the hand lightly a few times -maybe Jane just hadn't noticed her- and she held back her disappointment when that didn't work either.

"Jane?" Nothing. She was still chatting with Catalina like the girl wasn't even there... she probably hadn't heard her. "Janey." She tried again with a hard tug on her hand. The older one reacted this time, but with an annoyed sight, without even looking in Katherine's direction, as if she had just remembered a little inconvenience in the middle of the conversation.  
Was Jane actively ignoring her? She wouldn't do that, would she? Katherine now just wanted to apologize, she wanted to make things right again. She really, really didn't like to be ignored. Why was Jane doing this to her? Was their relationship over? Had she really screwed up enough to make Jane leave her?

"Mum!" She cried loudly. That got Jane's attention, as well as everyone else's.

"Yes, darling?" There was a shadow of a smile on Jane's face, even when her expression changed to confused and concerned, as if she was trying not to smile. Did she not know why Katherine was distressed? "What is it, honey?" Were they ok? Jane didn't look cross anymore... had she ever even looked cross in the first place?

Katherine opened her mouth but closed it at the sight of everyone looking at her confusedly. They had even stopped walking. They wanted to know what was bothering her. What _was_ bothering her? Jane obviously wasn't mad at her, she wouldn't be calling her "darling" and smiling so sweetly if she was. Had she imagined signs of anger that weren't there?

"Hold my hand!" Katherine flinched at her own voice, how childish and bratty it sounded. She heard a small "Awwnn" coming from Catalina or Anne -or maybe both- she wouldn't know, she was focused on the blonde in front of her.  
Jane didn't comment on it, instead she looked from the girl's pleading eyes to her own opened palm being held, letting out a small sound of surprise. Had she not realized or felt Katherine tugging her hand moments ago? 

"Oh my! I'm sorry, love. There you go. Everything ok now?" She tangled their fingers and fondled Kat's cheek gently. Her voice sounded almost gleeful, as if a switch had been flicked by Katherine's desperate pleas.

"Yes! Yes, thank you." She felt a wave of relief hit her as she let out a breath. Jane was not mad at her. Maybe she never had been.

_She cares so much, she calls me "love"._

Everything was ok now. Jane was holding her hand and she wasn't going to let go.

She could breathe now.


	2. The fire's burnt

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much again to my perfect beta reader @Cynicalrainbows, the most awesome writer on this site. Today I thought about giving up on writing this but your notification made me remember why I liked doing this. Thank you so much!!!

Katherine Howard was sick.

Their opening week had been perfect. Perfect performances, perfect audiences and perfect reactions. People truly believed her this time. They talked about how absurd and heartbreaking her story was- she wasn't a seductress anymore! They were paying attention to them, listening to their stories! 

Everything was fine, until on the last day of the week, Katherine started to get a headache, along with a little bit of weakness. She had managed to complete their two shows, but by the end of the day she was exhausted.

The queens had hoped she would get better during their day off, but the opposite happened and the girl was, by the following Tuesday, feeling worse than ever, even with Jane's constant care.

"Love, you can't eat what everyone else is eating, you're sick. Now, please eat your oatmeal." Speaking of Jane, she was proving that taking care of the youngest queen was harder than it seemed, especially when it came to food: Katherine had slept through breakfast and still refused to eat her lunch. The other queens eating a properly warm and delicious meal right in front of her didn't help either- Anna still hadn't shut up about how good it tasted. 

"No. I want salmon like everyone else. It's not fair!" Sure, Katherine knew that she was being a bit difficult, but she had had a difficult morning. She was constantly cold, her body felt super heavy, and waking up without Jane by her side that morning had just made it all feel worse. She had managed not to cry though. She was not a child after all.

"It is fair, Kitty, because you're sick. Now eat." Jane's voice was gentle but firm. Katherine didn't move. She did not want to eat. How hard was it for Jane to understand that? "Katherine, I'll not say it again." Even though her tone was dangerously low and she had used her full name, Katherine crossed her arms and continued to stare at the wall in front of her- completely ignoring the blonde by her side. Even so, she almost winced at the sound of Jane dropping her own fork on the plate and sighing heavily. Almost.

She was prepared to stand her ground, to turn around and see Jane's stern stare aimed at her, but when she did, that's not what she found. Instead Jane was smiling completely turned to her, Katherine's spoon full of oatmeal in hand, her own plate forgotten at her side.

"Here comes the airplane!" She said cheerfully, waving the spoon. Did Jane want to hand fed her like an actual toddler? Katherine's shocked expression was soon met by Anne’s loud laughing. Oh, it's a joke; Katherine realized by her cousin’s reaction. 

“Yeah, right.” She mumbled letting out an awkward laugh. Jane was not discouraged by either reactions and nodded her head, showing that she truly meant to do the action- she even opened her mouth wide, gesturing for the girl to do the same.

Katherine was ready to refuse it, but before the words left her mouth, she hesitated- was that ok? Wouldn't Jane get cross if she didn’t go along with it? Maybe this was a normal thing for mothers to do with their children, and if she wanted Jane to be her mother, she had to cooperate- she had _asked_ for this, she can’t just decide what Jane can and can't do.

Sure, she thought this was a thing for babies only, but maybe all mothers pampered their children a little too much when they were sick. What did she know about motherhood anyways? If Jane told her something, it was right. Jane knew better than her.

Reluctantly, Katherine mimicked the older's action, opening her mouth wider than necessary, trying not to appear too disgusted when Jane put the food on her mouth.

Jane smiled at her proudly when the pink queen swallowed, making Katherine feel her whole face blushing- she made Jane smile! Only Jane would feel proud of her for something so simple as eating. The care was theoretically new to the girl, she had survived alone in her first life, but now it felt as if she couldn't live without it. Jane's love made her feel warm and cozy inside.

"Will little Kitty now get a sticker for eating like a big girl?" Came Anne's mocking voice. Katherine's face became even redder from both embarrassment and anger. She had honestly forgotten that the queens were at the table with them. They had seen her throwing a tantrum and being hand fed like a child!

Catherine's sharp elbow dug into Anne's ribs helped; Anna and Cathy giggling at Anne's comment, did not.

Katherine pushed her bowl away harder than she intended and got up abruptly, ignoring her dizziness and muscles screaming at her to lay down.

"I. Don't. Want. To. Eat!" She ignored Anne's half-laughed apologies, but before she could leave the table properly, Jane calmly took her wrist.

"Katherine!" This time she did wince at the sound of her full name. "You're being very rude. I made two lunches just so you could eat something healthy. Please, don't be ungrateful." There it was: the Cold Voice. The same voice Jane had used two weeks ago. Katherine definitely did not like that voice. The same eyes that had made her feel warm just seconds ago were now freezing her. She wanted to feel loved again, she wanted Proud Jane back. Cold Jane made her feel scared and lonely. She felt ashamed for making Proud Jane disappear, for being disrespectful and not appreciating Jane's efforts. If she was good now, would she feel warm again soon?

"I'm sorry." She mumbled sitting down slowly. She risked looking up at Jane from the corner of her eye and breathed relief when she saw the older smiling once more.

It was ok. She felt warm again.

"I'm sorry, Kat, I shouldn't mess with you when you're sick and in a bad mood." Anne was still laughing, but at least her apology sounded sincere this time. Katherine nodded, still looking down. Yes, she was embarrassed, but Jane was taking care of her. She was sick and tired and Jane was being sweet; there was nothing wrong with that, even if she had to eat disgusting oatmeal.

Katherine reached for the spoon in Jane's hand, but the blonde pulled it out of her reach before she could take it. She shook her head, looking at Katherine with glee. "Open the garage!" She said cheerfully, once again opening her own mouth for the youngest to mimic.

Katherine obeyed. She wanted to continue to feel warm.

****

Being hand fed an entire bowl of tasteless oatmeal did not help Katherine's mood. She sat on the couch, head throbbing and muscles heavy, staring at the remote as if it'd jump to her hand if she just concentrated on it hard enough.

"Will she be able to perform tonight?" Catalina asked Jane. They were sitting at opposite ends of the sofa, leaving Katherine in the middle. They did this often after lunch, whenever it was their tv day they'd sit together. Sometimes only Katherine watched tv while Jane knitted and Catherine read; other times, the youngest would play on her phone while the two watched soap operas.

"I don't think so. Even if she does get better, it's for the best that she doesn't perform today, she's pretty grumpy." Jane said, touching Katherine's face to check her temperature. The girl could have told them to stop talking about her like she wasn't there, but like Jane said, she was grumpy and didn't trust herself to make this not sound like a bark. So she satisfied herself with letting out a small growl to show her irritation, ignoring Jane's pointed stare.

"No problem, I'll text the directors to let the alternative know." Catherine took her phone while Jane chose something from Katherine's part of the joined Netflix, the small brunette already cuddled to her side. After picking a cartoon that she thought it looked appropriate for the girl, she started working on her latest knitting project- a pink beanie with cat ears for her Kitty.

Less than thirty minutes later, Katherine was bored to death. Watching a cartoon about round yellow creatures was increasing her irritability- they didn't even talk, the peak of it's humor was fart jokes and puns about bananas! It was clearly made for five years old, and Katherine was not a five years old!

She peaked at the newspaper Catalina was smiling at and reading over and over next to her. Katherine was not so educated as the four oldest queens- big words were harder and she needed to take her time, but she could manage. 

**"Six the Musical announces West End sing-a-long performances."**

She understood now why Catalina was smiling at the article. They had been scared when they discovered how wide and different this new world was- what if they weren't as important as they thought they would be? What if their story wasn't relevant or interesting enough to make a show about?

That was why it made them so happy whenever people talked about their show. There were people listening to them! People speaking about their past! This time Katherine's voice was heard, this time was different-

"Katherine!" Jane's loud bark made the two women jump in surprise. The blonde gave Catherine an apologetic look and proceeded to scold the younger girl. "If you didn't want to watch the movie, you could have gone to your room. I had to fight with Anne to get the tv, if I knew you were going to be ungrateful, I'd let her have it." 

Katherine knew she was supposed to be ashamed, that Jane stern voice was supposed to be her cue to apologize, but she didn't. She was angry. Was Jane really scolding her for taking her eyes off the kid's movie for one minute? Was spoon feeding her not enough? She decided that if Jane wanted to treat Katherine like a toddler, she would behave like a toddler.

She crossed her arms and kicked the coffee table so hard it made her aching head throb, but she ignored the pain and looked at Jane with defying eyes. The blonde was astonished and glanced, embarrassed, at Catherine, before her expression quickly turned to anger. 

"That's it! Stop throwing a tantrum and go to your room, now!"

The girl got up abruptly and stormed out of the living room with loud, angry steps, hoping it would annoy Jane even more.

The blonde was ready to yell when Katherine slammed her door, but Catherine put a calming hand on hers.

"Was it really bad?" Jane asked, wincing a little. Catherine would think she was a horrible mother. What kind of parent can't discipline their own child? She craved for the approval of the eldest queen- her best friend was the only one to truly raise a child of her own for more than a couple of years- and now she had made a fool of herself in front of her.

Catalina shook her head calmly- she was always calm, and even when she was fighting with Anne, her demeanor was always put together and wise. "No, no don't worry. Katherine is an amazing kid and she had been through so much, it's only normal she'll act up sometimes. You're doing great, just be patient and show her you'll take care of her even if she's misbehaving."

Show her Jane will take care of her even if she's misbehaving... she could do that. All she wanted was to take care of the girl, and kids acted out sometimes. Part of being a _proper mother_ was knowing how to deal with that, wasn't it? Yes, she could do that.

"Can you tell the directors I'll also take a day off to take care of her?" 

"Oh, I don't think Toby and Lucy will like that, babe." Catherine answered sympathetically- using two alternatives when it was only their second week would maybe give the impression that they weren't serious about it.

"But she can't be alone!" Jane whined, sounding rather too much like a kid asking for more playtime with her new toy. "I have to take care of her. You know how it is."

There was a hint of pain in Catalina's eyes when she gave a sad smile, before nodding decisively. "Yes, I know... yeah, you're right. Take care of your girl as long as you can. I'll talk to them."

After a quick thank you, Jane was on her way to talk to _her girl_ \- she loved the way Catherine had put it- but stopped at the sound of the eldest queen calling her back.

"Jane... maybe one of these days I could take Katherine to buy some clothes? I think she'd like some new dresses." Jane wondered if it had something to do with the fact that Mary herself liked fashion and clothing, but she didn't comment on it. 

"Sure!" She said with a smile.

*

Katherine was in her room, face pressed into her pillow miserably. Now that the anger had passed, all she had left was nausea and shame- she could imagine Catherine and Jane talking about how much of a spoiled disrespectful brat she was.

She didn't turn around when she heard her door opening, or when she felt Jane sitting on her bed next to her and running her fingers through her hair gently. 

"You're acting up today. Want to tell me what's happening?" Jane asked, petting the girl's head.

Katherine mumbled something into the pillow, embarrassed and too tired to move her head. "I didn't catch that, sweetie. Speak up, please." 

"You're treating me like a child." She mumbled, looking down. It pained her to say those words out loud, she didn't want Jane to think she was being ungrateful, after all the blonde was taking very good care of her.

Katherine raised her head fearfully when she felt Jane stop stroking her hair after a long silence. She didn't know what to feel at the sight of the older queen studying her neutrality.

"You're gonna stay home tonight, so that you can rest. Alone." Jane informed firmly after a while, as if she hadn't heard the girl. Katherine nodded quickly, understanding that Jane was putting an end to the conversation. The blonde narrowed her eyes at Katherine's quick compliance- why was she doing that? Didn't she want good behavior? Katherine was just trying to be good. Jane's frown quickly turned into a wooden smile that surprisingly didn't ease the youngest's nerves like it usually did. "And there's no need to be scared, my love. I'm sure everything will be ok." Katherine bent her head confused, why would she be scared? As if she heard the girl's question, Jane continued. 

"I mean, being all alone in this big house during the night isn't _that_ dangerous. The locks are probably efficient enough against home invasions, and you know the police number, right? If anything happens, they'd be here in twenty minutes. Sure, that's plenty of time for a lot of things to happen, and then when the police came you'd have to be alone with a lot of men, but they are the good guys. Of course, there could be another blackout like last time, but you'd only have to find your way in the dark to the fuse downstairs... so nothing to worry." By the end of her speech, Jane was speaking gleefully.

At the beginning Katherine was wide eyed and spooked, like a kid listening to a very interesting ghost story, but at the mention of a possible blackout, her eyes shifted to true terror. The first blackout had been a nightmare to the young girl.

Katherine did not like the dark. Bad things happened in the dark. Francis Dereham would visit her chambers during the night. His hand going up her leg, his lips on her neck, too dark for him to see her frightened eyes. Would he care even if he saw it? She doubted it.

Now Katherine avoided the dark so she would never feel that sensation again, but that night two weeks after they reincarnated, she had no choice. It was the first time her housemates had ever heard her scream, it had taken hours and several flashlights to truly calm the girl. Her nightmares had become more turbulent after that night.

Even the thought of going through that again- especially alone- made her feel even more sick than she already was.

"O-or maybe you could stay." She stuttered, making Jane, who was already at the door, turn around- when did she get up without Katherine noticing? Why was she leaving after telling such scary stories?

"Oh no, honey. I wouldn't want to _treat you like a child_ again." Jane said with false apprehension in her voice. Katherine wondered why she sounded so sincere at the beginning but then shifted her tone, pronouncing the last words slowly with a smile- almost as if she was telling a joke.

"No, you won't! I mean- it's ok, please stay." Katherine tried pouting- Jane normally did anything she wanted if she looked cute enough.

"I don't know... I don't want to impose on you, I feel like you don't really want me to stay..." Jane was already half way through the door.

Katherine felt her heart beating faster. The pout hadn’t worked, Jane was going to leave. Maybe being a brat had earnt her more than a simple scolding- she would be alone. During the night. In the dark.

He was going to touch her. Stern and slow.

_"Shhh, darling. You are my wife. You have promised me to be so good. It is perfectly fine for us to do this. Now try to be quiet, we do not wish for your grandma to find out, do we?"_

"I do!" Katherine's louder-than-necessary yelp made Jane come back and turn to her fully. "I- I do want you to stay. I want so much! Please don't go, stay here with me, please!" She was at the verge of tears, her voice shaking slightly, but at least that made Jane enter the room again. Her expression was sympathetic, even with her eyes looking pleased - a strange combination. She leaned against the wall casually with her arms crossed, as if she was thinking very hard. 

"Aren't you big enough to be on your own?"

Katherine opened her mouth before closing it again. Such odd choice of words. She was nineteen, surely that was old enough to be alone- but was she _big_ enough to take care of herself?

" _Today our lesson is going to be a little different, Katherine. You are a big girl now. Leave your lute on the table..."_

"No... no, I'm not"

Jane's smile widened.

*

It was 6:48 PM. Katherine could hear the laughing downstairs, the queens eating dinner. She thought about joining them, but she felt like she'd throw up if she even got up- eating was out of question. Maybe the day's distress made her worse; her sweat was soaking the pillow, even though she felt incredibly cold.

  
  


6:57 PM. 

"Bye, Kat. I'll buy you an ice cream sandwich on the way back." Anna whispered out of Jane's earshot- she knew that was something the blonde would not allow Katherine to have.

"And if you need saving from Jane's puns, I'm one call away." Anne didn't bother to whisper, earning a fake offended gasp from Jane- who was at the other side of the room listening to Cathy and Catalina- and a weak giggle from Katherine.

"Emergency numbers are at the coffee table. Check her temperature every thirty minutes. No more than two painkillers for tonight." Catherine instructed. She was nervous, two queens had never been left alone in the house before- whenever they’d go out, they'd do it in a group or in trios- and testing out doing so on the two youngest of the group didn't make her feel any calmer.

"If she goes up to 38,5 C° put the ice bags on her, even if she feels cold. If she passes 40 C°, call an ambulance." Cathy continued but was soon cut short by Jane.

"I know, I know. Don't worry, I know what I'm doing." She rambled, rushing the queens out of the room.

"Kat, honey, we'll be here by nine thirty." Catalina tried once again before being completely pushed out of the room by Jane, who was accompanying them to the front door.

"Bye! I love you!" Was all Katherine could say in her tired state before her bedroom door was closed. She could still hear the others talking and laughing as they went downstairs.

"Jane taking care of Kat is so funny. It's like seeing an older kid trying to babysit a younger kid. " Anne's comment made the youngest queen wince- she could vividly imagine Jane's offended face.

  
  


7:23 PM 

Katherine was awakened from her short nap by Jane's soft hand brushing through her hair. The youngest smiled softly and moved to the side of the bed, making space for the blonde to cuddle next to her, ready to close her eyes again.

"No, no, nap time's over, my love. You have to eat now." Jane whispered, taking a chair to sit next to the girl's bed. Katherine content quickly turned to irritation. Her stomach was upset, her throat burned so much it hurt to drink water, and she could feel her clothes sticking disgustingly to her skin with sweat. No, she definitely wouldn't give in this time. At Katherine's whines, Jane spoke up again, this time with a cherry voice as if she was talking to a really small child. "We will be good and eat everything, aren't we? Sit up properly now, please." 

Katherine considered her choices. She truly didn't want to obey... but Jane was being so sweet- Jane had stayed just because she asked her to! She could have been left alone and scared, instead she was with Jane and she was _warm_. She reluctantly sat like she was told to, but she still moaned in displeasure. The older smiled even more.

"Good girl!" The overjoyed praise would make Katherine blush on any other day, but today it just made her let out a small growl of anger. Stupid food. Stupid disease. Stupid stomach. Stupid stupid stupid oatmeal!?

"Oatmeal again? You know I don't like it!" Katherine whined. Was she really on the verge of tears because of a stupid dish? Yes, but it was something she already hated, and her dizziness and upset stomach didn't help.

"Yes. It's good for your bellyache. Now open wide." Jane said firmly, waving the spoon in Katherine's direction. When the youngest closed her mouth decisively, Jane gave her a pointed stare. "Honey, it will be over soon, I promise. If you eat everything you can watch tv until the others come back! Now please be good." 

Great. To eat another stupid food, to watch another stupid cartoon, until the stupid queens came back and she'd have to go to her stupid bed. She crossed her arms and waited to stupid Jane to give her another stupid scolding.

"Katherine. I want your mouth opened now." Jane's stupid stern tone didn't work either. _Stupid stupid stupid_. She didn't want to eat! She saw the spoon getting close to her mouth and slapped it out of Jane's hand hard before she could think about it.

"Get out! I don't want to fucking eat!" She yelled. There was a long silence- Jane looking startled at the spoon on the floor- and Katherine could feel her own anger wearing off. No, no, no, she needed her anger if she was going to argue with Jane- the blonde and Anne were the only ones in the house who truly screamed in arguments, although Jane would snap and lose her anger very quickly.

Katherine didn't recoil when Jane looked in shock from the spoon to her direction. She didn't recoil either when she saw Cold Jane appearing in the older queen’s expression- even though her eyes were probably giving away her fear. But she did wince when Jane got up. No signs of anger, just a freezing indifference that made Katherine want to beg for forgiveness- she didn't though, she was too intimidated to speak.

Jane was going to leave the room, she was going to ignore her for who knows how long, maybe until Katherine begged, maybe more! Katherine felt her eyes filling with tears. She would take it, she would take her punishment if that was what it took for Jane to love her again. Even if it would kill her for a few days.

Jane was walking through the door when she clicked the light switch in one fast movement before getting out of the room.

Jane had turned off the lights. Katherine was alone. In the dark. She felt her muscles tensing and tears rolling down her face. She needed the lights back on. He was going to get her. She tried to get up- she couldn't move! He was going to get her and she couldn't move!

"Jane!" She yelled. No successes.

Her chest was heavy and it wouldn't open up for air no matter how hard she tried- it was like there was so much weight pressing against it, she could feel her heart burning from the pressure. She couldn't breathe.

"Mum!" Jane would come. She always answered when Katherine called her Mum. She needed her Mum right now.

Nothing.

Her vision became dizzy. Her mind was panicking and foggy. Jane was never coming back- all because she was **ungrateful**. He was coming to get her! He was coming with wine and gifts to bribe the older girls from her dorm. He always got what he wanted and he didn't take "no" for an answer. Nobody ever took her "no". 

He had said that she was his wife. She had to let him touch her with passion- was passion the same as love? It didn't matter, she had a duty to fulfill. She was so tired, but he came back. He always came back- in the _dark_. 

He was getting closer. She couldn't feel her hands and feet anymore, but she could feel his lips going down her neck, and then lower. She was going to pass out and be helpless to his touches. His hand was on her neck, squeezing so hard she couldn't breathe anymore.

She needed Jane. She needed her mother.

"Mama!" She didn't know she still had strength enough to scream this loudly. Her yell was so strong and desperate it made her throat burn. It worked. Jane ran to her, knelt next to her on the floor- when had she ended up on the floor?

Katherine held onto her so strongly. Her knuckles turning white. It didn't matter- Jane was there. Jane was going to take care of her and make Him leave. 

She had to concentrate on Jane telling her to breathe. In and out. She was there; Jane was there; she was not in danger. In and out. The little whispers and shushing noises always made her feel better. In and out. Jane wiped her tears, and she leaned into the contact so much it made Jane giggle. In and out. She could breathe again.

They stayed like this for a while. Katherine cuddled against Jane- so firmly, as if she expected the blonde to evaporate under her touch at any second. Jane, with her chin on top of her girl's head, stroking her hair calmly. Everything was fine now.

"Will you be bad again?" Jane whispered.

Katherine tightened her hold on Jane's torso and shook her head desperately.

Never again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let's be friends on tumblr :) @shut-up-heather-d 
> 
> Please tell me what you think :)


	3. Daughters are not so easy to forget.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi :) I'm sorry for the long wait, I hope this new chapter makes up for it :)  
> As always, a big thank you to the best beta reader some could have, @cynicalrainbows who help me even more in this chapter when I was having trouble with it.  
> This chapter will be focused on Catalina.

"Ok, I need you to behave very well today- shit, your shirt is dirty, let's change it." To say that Jane was nervous was an understatement- so much that the casual swearing went unnoticed by both. She searched Katherine's closet with sharp movements- tugging every shirt like she's angry at them for not being the perfect one.

"Are you sure you can't come with me? Please?" Katherine asked with a frown. Since her last panic attack the girl had been even more attached to Jane than usual, following her everywhere. She wanted to be with the blonde every minute of the day, they even slept in the same bed every night- 'Jane's shadow' was what the queens were calling her now. Katherine didn't care; just the thought of Jane leaving her like last time was enough to panic her, so as long as she was 'Jane's shadow' she would be safe.

Jane smiled at her warmly, placing the dress she chose on the girl's bed. 

"No, love. You know today it's just you and Catherine- she's being very nice for taking you out and giving you gifts. So I need you to be really good, can you do that for me?" Jane's serious tone and delicate touches on Katherine's face made the girl nod enthusiastically. Katherine was so good this week. She slept when she was told to, showered when she was told to, and most importantly: ate when and whatever she was told to. So when Jane informed her that she was going to spend their day off going out alone with Aragon, she didn't question it. "Good girl." Jane praised after quickly kissing Katherine's forehead, making the youngest blush with pride.

After Jane made her change clothes for the second time that day, she started working on the girl's hair. Katherine didn't know why the blonde was so anxious. Sure, Katherine herself was nervous, she never spent much time alone with the eldest queen; Aragon was so wise and stern, she couldn't help feeling intimidated. Jane acting as if she was about to be tested for something just made the teenager even more scared.

"I don't know how to act alone with Catherine." She admitted, looking at Jane in the mirror.

"Pretend that she's me and let her look after you like I do for today." Jane instructed, satisfied when she received another serious nod. 

"Why does she want to go out with me?" Katherine didn't want to make it sound like she wasn't excited to spend the day with Catalina, but she was apprehensive to say the least. Being out without Jane for a whole day seemed a lot like a punishment- especially when the blonde was so nervous and not telling her why. 

"Grown-up things, love. You just need to be yourself… and good. 'Good' it's important too." Jane dismissing Katherine's question did not help the girl's nerves.

"I am a grown-up." Katherine knew she probably would have sounded more convincing if she wasn't wearing a pink dress bought and chosen by Jane; so she didn't blame her when the elder scoffed. She knew that maybe she should have felt offended to be called a child- but if doing what they wanted her to do meant that she would be back as soon as possible to her mother figure, she didn't mind. 

  
  


"Of course you are, honey. Now let's go, Catherine is waiting downstairs." Katherine thought about arguing, insisting she was an adult and demanding to know the 'grown-up things' that made Catalina want to go out with her, but she didn't want to abuse Jane's good mood. Fighting right before being taken away from her for a whole afternoon was not a good idea, so she just obeyed. She didn't even question when Jane insisted she left her wallet home.

*****

Katherine didn't know what she was supposed to do. When they first reincarnated she was basically mute, speaking only when spoken to- she was taught that a pretty lady like herself was supposed to be seen, not heard. After a couple of months it was easier for her to talk, joking around with Anna and Anne, giving her opinion on a movie, she even complained when Cathy would leave her shoes around the house, but talking with Catalina was different.

Katherine was known in her first life as being… 'air-headed' was a kind way of putting it, normally people would just say she was not the sharpest person. Embarrassing herself in front of the so very educated and erudite Catherine of Aragon- the true queen of England, as Jane put it- was not an option, especially when apparently she was being tested by both. So they mostly stayed quiet until they got to the mall, although the eldest queen seemed much more comfortable with the silence.

"Do you want me to hold your hand, babe?" Catherine asked when they got to the busiest part of the mall- there weren't a lot of people there, since it was a Monday afternoon, but it was still overwhelming. Katherine wondered if maybe Jane also told her to pretend like she was the blonde. Or maybe Catalina remembered the day when Katherine threw an almost-tantrum because Jane wasn't holding her hand back. Or maybe the queen just knew the girl didn't like to feel alone in crowds. Either way, Katherine gratefully took the offer- it wasn't the same as Jane's hand, but it helped a lot.

"What will we be doing today?" Katherine was hesitant to ask, but judging from Catalina's content smile, she was not the only one who got more relaxed after they held hands. 

"I thought Jane told you. We're buying clothes for you, honey." 

"Don't you normally do that with Maria and Cathy? Why did you want to go out with me?" Katherine winced when she realized how insulting and _ungrateful_ her words sounded. Jane had taught her the consequences to ungratefulness. She braced herself for the unavoidable scolding it was about to come, ready to be told it was 'grown-up things' and not of her concern. That was not what happened.

Catherine chuckled lightly. "Yes, but I thought going out with you would be a little… different. And Jane doesn't take you out much so I thought it'd be a nice treat." 

Katherine wanted to say that was not really a proper answer to her question, and that she didn't depend on Jane to 'take her out' or to buy her 'treats'- but Catalina's kind smile and Jane's warning to be good made her just nod and let herself be carried inside a shop.

*

Thirty minutes later and Katherine was changing into one of the seven dresses chosen by Catalina, who was outside of the fitting room asking for her opinion with a proud hopeful voice.

"They are… colorful!" Katherine tried to sound as excited about the clothes as the eldest queen was, but the colors were too bright. She looked at herself in the mirror- beside it being adult size, that white dress with colorful circles would for sure be appropriate for a six years old. "Did you get them at the kid's sector?"

"No. Young teen's section. Are you done? Come out so I can see you." The girl managed to not sigh too loudly before pulling the curtain, but she was taken aback by Catalina's loud gasp. 

"Oh mi niña esta tan hermosa!" Catalina jumped from her seat to look closer at the girl, she seemed so surprised and smiled so emotionally at it- it made Katherine wonder what was the queen seeing about that dress that she wasn't. "I know how much you like bright colors. I was sure this would look good on you." She whispered proudly, more to herself than to the youngest queen. Katherine thought about saying that, no, she didn't actually like bright colors and that she had no idea where Catalina took that information from. "What do you think, mi hija?" 

If Katherine had any chance of saying how much she disliked the dress, that chance died when Catalina said 'mi hija'. The pink queen could ignore Jane's warning to please her, she could even overlook Catherine's hopeful eyes like she was about to cry from emotion, but she could not ignore the meaningful nickname that was only reserved for Cathy- and even that was in rare occasions.

"I loved it!" Katherine said with as much enthusiasm as she could, and it was worth it when she saw Catalina clapping excitedly. The eldest queen's bright smile and gentle pets on her face quickly made her heart warm up a little. Sure, Katherine still didn't understand what Catalina liked so much about buying clothes for her, and of course she wasn't _Jane_ \- nobody's love made her so content and safe like Jane's did- but she still liked it.

If she could make Catherine so happy _and_ be good for Jane by simply wearing a few dresses, why not?

"Great, great, go try the other ones, cariño." Catalina said enthusiastically.

The girl went back to her changing room and sighed at her own reflection. She didn't look _that_ silly.

  
  


***

Katherine went out of the store with three new dresses. It had taken them one hour and a lot of pleading from the girl that 'No, Lina I don't need five dresses. Please, two are enough, I don't want to waste your money'.

Sure, she didn't exactly love neither one of the extra dresses- a salmon one with butterflies and flowers; and a hot pink one with kitties; in addition to the really bright colorful one- but Catalina was being very generous and kind for buying those for her, and she wanted to behave well like her mother figure told her to.

Catalina insisted that she loved buying gifts for her, and that of course she didn't need to be paid back.

Katherine was proud of herself for making the eldest queen so happy- and she would be lying if she said she wasn't loving all the affection she was getting. Both of them were way more content after their mini shopping spree- Catalina was even telling her stories about her glorious time as queen.

"I mean, they kill thousands of scottish soldiers, but when you want to send a single small head to your husband, you're suddenly the crazy one!" Catalina laughed fondly at the memory, making the youngest giggle- both of them were unprepared for the middle aged man that was about to ruin their carefree mood.

  
  


"Damn, girl. Looking hot on this sexy dress." The man licked his lips. As he got closer to the women, he reached out his hand to touch Katherine's torso. Luckily for her, she jumped back before he could reach her- although she didn't like the scared yelp she let out.

It didn't seem to bother him, as he just laughed, walking past them to the opposite direction- almost rubbing his shoulder against Katherine's, making the girl flinch again trying to avoid the contact.

When both women recovered from the shock of what just happened, Catalina was ready to yell at the disgusting pig that just harassed her girl- but when she looked back, he was already out of view.

"Are you ok, cariño?" Catalina's worried voice did not diminish Katherine's anger. Why were men always allowed to do what they pleased with her? They touched her, squeezed her and said disgusting things to her, and nothing happened to them. She couldn't even ask for help- security would think she was overreacting because he didn't even touch her, and even if they did something, the best they could do was ask him to leave. The other queens were always talking about how things were better now, about how this time was different. It wasn't! Nothing changed and it was never ever different! 

"I wish I could kill him." Katherine mumbled under her breath. She bumped into the older woman, without realizing Catalina had stopped abruptly and was staring at her in shock.

"Katherine! Don't you ever say something like that ever again." The tone made the girl wince- it didn't even sound cross, just horrified and disappointed. She didn't know which was worse. Catalina stopped herself and took a deep breath at the sight of Katherine's scared eyes- she had no idea why the simple words caused such a strong reaction. "Mija… you must never ever wish harm on someone. Every cruel thought or word you have changes you a little bit- it turns your heart a little more cold until…" She took another pause to breathe and compose herself. Katherine didn't know why the eldest queen was so shaken up by a angry statement- it was like she was scared that Katherine would turn into a different person right there in front of her eyes if she didn't repress the violent thought. "Until you become evil. You lose parts of yourself until there's nothing left of you- and the sweet little girl you once were turns into someone you do not want to become. So I want you to _never_ say that ever again. Understood?" 

Katherine was close to tears by the end of the scolding. She didn't think she'd be able to respond without stuttering, so she nodded firmly with her head down in shame- she couldn't bear to look up at those disappointed eyes again. Catalina sighed, but she was satisfied enough with the answer to not continuing the lecture- although she didn't seem very relaxed when they went back to walking.

Katherine would have thought that after being reprimanded so strongly, she would be angry and distance herself from the eldest queen. The opposite happened. She found herself clinging to Catalina's arm closer than ever, even though it made them walk slightly awkwardly, making herself as smaller and as quiet as possible. It was as if she was scared that one more wrong movement would make Catherine look at her like that again, or worse: leave her. She walked staring down at her own shoes, trusting the older woman to guide them wherever they needed to go, and holding onto her so, so tightly. She didn't even know why she was so scared- it was not like Catalina would make her go back home alone… right?

She looked up fearfully when Catalina sighed and stopped walking.

"I'm sorry for raising my voice at you, cariño. I just… sometimes, when kids don't have guidance or some kind of parental figure in their life, they might… they might end up in a bad path. They become someone they were not meant to be, doing things they would _never_ do if they were loved enough." Catalina held the girl's face gently, making Katherine hold eye contact- she was relieved she didn't find herself wanting to cry anymore. "I love you too much to let this happen to you, mi hija. So I'm sorry for being harsh- it just took me by surprise. I promise I'll never raise my voice at you again. Do you forgive me?" Catalina waited for the girl to nod, before pulling her gently to kiss her forehead. "Thank you, mija." 

The apology was a pleasant surprise to Katherine- Catalina didn't even truly raise her voice, she was just taken aback- but she was grateful either way. If Catalina thought she was wrong then maybe she wouldn't tell Jane… Kat really didn't want her mother figure to know about her bad behavior- she was very clear about how good Kat had to be to Catherine. 

"How about I buy you some cupcakes to properly apologize?" Katherine perked up at the words, making Catalina chuckle proudly, but her smile quickly fell.

"Jane says no sugar before dinner." The girl admitted in a mumble, kicking the floor- which in Catalina's opinion was quite adorable. It was an unfortunate coincidence that Jane's favorite motherhood show had an entire episode about the dangers of sugar and skipping dinner, the same day that Anne challenged Kat to a "who eats this bowls of ice cream faster" contest. Jane was right, as always, it did make Kat feel sick and skip dinner.

The eldest queen thought for a moment before looking at her clock. "Well, it's still very early, so I'm sure it will not spoil your dinner- and surely you could have a treat after that panic attack last week." 

At the second she finished her sentence, it came Katherine's hurried response. "I thought the lights were off, but they weren't." She shook her head strongly to emphasize her point.

Catalina just gave her a confused smile. "What do you mean, sweetheart?" 

"I thought the lights were off. They weren't." She repeated the phrase matter of factly. She thought she knew why she had that panic attack, Jane showed her that she was wrong.

  
  


_** \---------------- ** _

_It was a Thursday night- two days after Katherine's exhausting panic attack, and a two-shows day- so it was understandable when Jane wanted to make the teen go to sleep right after they got home._

_"But it's only ten and a half! The others will play cards!" Katherine whined a little too weakly- both because she was more tired than she wanted to admit, and because she didn't want to irritate the blonde._

_Jane sighed- she knew the girl didn't like to be left out from any group activities, but she also knew that the last couple of days had taken a lot from her. Katherine was almost sleeping while Jane brushed her hair minutes ago- and she could see that the girl had taken a cold shower to make herself wake up._

_"Katherine-" Before Jane had finished her demand, the girl ran to the bed with wide eyes. The use of her full name, the tone… it was too familiar with the problem they had two nights before. Katherine would not take her changes._

_"Ok, ok. I'm in bed, see? Please don't turn off the lights again." Katherine pleaded desperately- making Jane's smile be accompanied with confused frown._

_"What do you mean, sweetie?" She asked bending her head the same way Katherine often did. Kat studied the women's expression and her slightly shaky, preppy voice- not knowing how to interpret them, she continued carefully._

_"Please don't turn off the lights again." She repeated with hesitation, feeling her heart beating faster at the memory._

_"Again?" Jane seemed surprised by the girl's statement. She looked at Katherine's confused expression with a frown, waiting for her to say something. When she didn't, Jane moved closer to her bed and continued with a more serious tone. "I have never turned off your light, sweetie."_

_Katherine was taken aback by the statement. It was her turn to frown and stare at the older queen- Jane was completely serious, looking at her like she was crazy._

_"But… but Tuesday you-" Katherine was quickly interrupted by Jane._

_"The Tuesday when you slapped me and told me to 'get the fuck out'? That Tuesday?" Jane's serious voice and raised eyebrow made the girl wince. She looked down in shame and nodded slowly. Several seconds passed but she didn't dare to look up- even after Jane sighed and sat on the bed next to her, she only felt more tense. "I didn't turn off the lights, honey. The lights were on the entire time." Jane talked slowly and with a lot of pity in her voice- like she was explaining to a really small child that they had lost their favorite toy._

_Katherine raised her head abruptly at that- but she still didn't meet Jane's eyes. No, she knew the lights were off. There would be no reason for her to panic if the lights weren't off. She remembered her panic. She remembered the dark room. She knew what she saw… didn't she?_

_"B-but that night you left and turned-" Once again Katherine's shaky voice was interrupted by Jane._

_"That night I left to get another spoon for you- because you slapped the other one out of my hand, remember that?" Katherine winced again and felt another wave of guilt and shame hitting her. She was lucky Jane didn't seem to want her to respond to that, she just continued. "I left for a second to get the spoon, and when I was back you were crying and shaking on the floor, with the lights on." Jane was still talking slowly- explaining as if to a five year old- but this time without the pity in her voice._

_Katherine shook her head. Jane definitely wasn't out for just a second, nor did she have a spoon when she came back. She knew she panicked because of the dark, there was nothing else that could trigger her that time… or maybe fighting with Jane made her panic and she thought the lights were off? No, no she saw Jane turning the switch._

_"No. You must have turned the light switch on accident, but I know you-" Katherine said surely, shaking her head as if to remove the doubt out of her mind- but when she raised her eyes and met with Jane's stern stare, all the confidence she had died along with her voice._

_"Katherine, I know you must be embarrassed to have a panic attack, but that is in no way a reason to lie or to blame someone else for it." Katherine opened her mouth to protest, but before she could say anything Jane gave her a pointed stare for intending to interrupt, making the youngest cower. "You are not a bad girl, Kitty. I know you wouldn't lie. You must really think the lights were turned off, right, love?"_

_She wanted to say that she didn't ** think ** the lights were turned off; she **knew** \- but Jane's sudden change to a more caring tone, along with the gentle touches on her face, made her put her walls down. She realized how tired she really was, she didn't want to fight with Jane. Jane came back for her that night- it didn't matter if the lights were on or off, right? _

_"Oh you poor thing. Remember what Lucy and Toby told us? That you probably have PTSD? That can play tricks on your mind, honey. You got triggered because you yelled at me, and it made you think the lights were off. Don't worry, honey, it was just a moment of panic, it doesn't mean there's something wrong with you- it's not like you get this confused often. You thought the lights were off, but they weren't." The pity in Jane's voice was back as she continued to caress the girl's face._

_Katherine felt her lower lip shaking- the kickoff to a meltdown. Her eyes were filling with tears of shame and confusion. She was so sure of what she saw- if she was wrong about that, what else had her mind made up? It made sense, she always knew that sometimes she got scared too easily, maybe she got scared by her own yell? The more she thought about it, more sure she had about what she saw, and that made it even worse- because she was **sure** that she was right, but she was still **wrong**. How could she be wrong of something she remembered so clearly? _

_She only realized that she was crying when Jane hugged her. It made Katherine breakdown under the safety of Jane's arms, all she could do was cry._

_"I'm sorry." She managed to let out between the desperate breaths. She didn't even know why she was apologising. For being broken? For lying? For crying so easily? Or maybe worse: for still not truly believing the lights were on._

_"It's ok, love." Jane moved the girl to her lap, stroking her hair and making the shushing noises she knew calmed the girl down. "It's ok, you're ok. Do you want to tell me what happened again?"_

_"I thought the lights were off, but they weren't." She whispers against Jane's neck, where her face was resting. That seemed enough for the blonde._

_"That's right, my love. I want you to never repeat the lie again, ok?" Jane sighed in contempt this time when she felt Katherine nod._

_Eventually Katherine calmed down, she was always more tired after she cried. It took several minutes of Jane singing and stroking her hair, but she had stopped crying._

_"I thought the lights were off, but they weren't." She repeated quietly, trying to make the fact stick to her mind- if Jane heard it, she didn't comment on it._

_In the safety of Jane's arms, listening to the blonde singing softly "Heart of Stone" for the third time, she knew that the lights were on. It had to be. Jane told her, and she would never lie to her. Because Jane took care of her and Jane was security._

** _\--------------------_ **

Katherine was pulled back from her thoughts by Catalina taking her hand with a caring, slightly worried, look.

"Come on, mi hija, you were good and you deserve a treat." The spanish queen said, gently guiding them to the bakery. Katherine wondered for a moment if she would be taken seriously if she was the one saying that another one of the queens deserved a treat for being good.

In her first life, Katherine had learned well that 'hiding information' was the same as lying, so she didn't think Jane would appreciate it if she found out that Kat had eaten a sweet and 'forgot to tell her'.

"Can I get them to eat after dinner?" She asked the oldest queen, who was already choosing it. She thought she would be more conflicted to ask this- she really did want the cupcakes now, but the idea of displeasing Jane easily won against the idea of having a sugary treat whenever she wanted. A cupcake wasn't worth the risk of seeing the blonde's disappointed expression- or worse, to face Cold Jane.

"Awn, of course, cariño. You're such an angel. I bet Jane would be very proud." 

That was all that mattered.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please tell me what you think :) this chapter was a big challenge for me.  
> Let's be friends on tumblr @shut-up-heather-d 💚


	4. Sorry not sorry

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi, everyone!  
> Do you guys still remember me? It has been a month, I know, I'm sorry.  
> I hope this very long chapter makes up for it. 6500 words... wow!  
> Last chapter was featuring more of Catalina and her perspective of things. This one we can kinda say that it's a bit focused on Anne (and Cathy, but if you guys want she can get a chapter just her).  
> Thank you so fucking much again to @cynicalrainbows. Seriously, this fic would not exist without her. She puts so much effort in this silly project of mine and it's literally the best person on this fandom.

The queens had rules in their household. Everyone had their own day to choose what to watch on tv; no shoes left on in the house; everyone had to eat meals together; and Tuesdays were cleaning days. The last one was Katherine's least favorite- she didn't like cleaning, it was not her fault really, she just didn't like spending an hour doing completely useless things. Why should she clean the top of the kitchen's cabinets if they weren’t even visible from the ground? And why should she wash the bathroom tiles if they weren't _that_ dirty anyway?

Luckily for Katherine, she was already lounging in bed after 20 minutes of work, thanks to Jane who always helped Kat with her chores before doing her own. Jane insisted on always helping the girl- and sometimes doing the tasks herself, so that her daughter wouldn't have to do much work. Katherine definitely wasn't complaining.

She heard a small yelp coming from the hallway, and took her eyes off the phone right in time to see Cathy almost tripping on the basket the teen had left there earlier. Anne, who was following behind, unlike Katherine didn't have the decency to try and hold her laughter- which made the blue queen angrier.

"Please, don't leave your clothes on the hallway if you're not gonna wash them right away." Cathy didn't try to hide her irritation as she weakly kicked the basket.

"Jane told me to leave it there so she could wash it."

The two women looked at her funny- like they were deciding between being confused or laughing.

"Jane does your laundry!?" Anne asked, although it seemed more like a mocking affirmation than a question.

Before Katherine could nod, Cathy interrupted. 

"You shouldn't be on your phone if you haven't washed one of the bathrooms yet."

"I did it. Jane and I finished in twenty minutes." The girl smiled proudly, not understanding when the two queens looked at each other, shaking their heads- as if they heard a very bad, but still entertaining, joke.

"Do you think if I let Jane spoon feed me, she'll do my chores too?" The older woman turned away completely, both already continuing to walk to their respective duties.

Anne scoffed loudly. "Forget about the chores. Do you think if I let Catalina dress me like a child she'll pay for my clothes too?"

Katherine wanted to say that the dresses were young teen's clothes, not kid's- but they were already going down the stairs and she'd have to yell to be heard; it was not worth it.

She sighed. It was not like she _wanted_ to receive those things. It was not her fault the others pampered her- and Anne and Cathy should see that being treated like a child had more disadvantage than perks… right?

Oh well. She was the only one not doing chores right now. She shouldn't complain.

_***************_

The queens had just finished their first show and stage door of the day, and were now relaxing in their dressing room. Well, Katherine wasn't all that relaxed since Jane had gone with Joan and Maggie to buy desserts for everyone- she wasn't anxious per say, but she knew she would feel better if her mother figure were there. 

7:32pm. Less than an hour before the next show. Jane would have to come soon.

"Are you guys sure no one wants to go to the casino with me and Bessie on our day off?" Anna loved playing cards- it was one of the queen's favorite activities in her first life. Poker, Blackjack, Solitaire; name it and Anna would be an expert on it. She was the one to organize the family's game nights- but when playing Monopoly and UNO once a week was not enough, Anna would go to the casino to play with 'proper gamblers' (it was funny how Anne and Catalina were offended by having their poker skills questioned).

("We are proper players!"

"Oh really? So why Catalina doesn't let us bet more than thirty bucks?"

"Because I won't allow anyone in this house to take advantage of anyone's money, Anna!"

"Or is it because you know you're gonna lose?"

"Ok! That's it! We're betting a hundred, bitch!"

Needless to say that Anne lost her money that night.)

"No, thank you, a casino on a Monday evening must be way too sad." Maria scoffed, earning herself a slightly stern but also humorous stare from the eldest queen.

"We would love it, Anna, thank you- but me, Cathy and Maria are planning to go to some museums and then visit Hampton Court." Catalina answered, to nods of confirmation from both women.

"Some people can't get over the past." Anne mumbled in a sing-song voice to Katherine, who was cuddled next to her. The girl decided not to mention the fact that Anne watched several documentaries about herself every week- she just laughed at her cousin's mean comment, catching Anna's attention.

"How about you two?"

"No, thank you. Me and Kat actually have plans that are not fucking depressing. We're going to the movies." Anne announced and gave Katherine a conspiring smile. The teen puffed up her chest proudly- her much cooler cousin wanted to go out with her.

"Have you asked Catherine's permission, Anne?" Bessie asked, crossing her arms- her side smirk and one raised eyebrow matching her sarcastic tone. Quickly Maria joined in.

"Right, Anne, did you ask Catalina if you could go out past your bedtime?" She crossed her arms too, imitating Bessie’s exact expression and pose, her Spanish accent somehow making it way more condescending.

Anne rolled her eyes and threw one of the pillows at the ladies in waiting, even though she was actually laughing. "Fuck off."

Katherine laughed a little later than the others. She wondered why it always took her so long to understand the joke, even back in her first life- hell, _especially_ back in her first life. She didn't get to ponder over that question, since Anna's voice took her out of her thoughts.

"Someone tried to hurt her friends _and_ said a bad word. Catherine, aren't you going to ground her?"

Catalina, who at that point was laughing with the others, got up from her spot and put her hand on her ribs, trying to look comically larger and taller than she actually was.

"Well, Anne? You have to ask permission if you want to have a playdate and stay out after bedtime." 

The Spanish queen put herself in front of Anne, both laughing loudly at Catalina's bad acting and fake deep voice. It was weird to think that only three or four months ago that joke would have been way too awkward to actually be funny, or to not be turned into a fight. It was also weird to see Anne only hesitating for a short moment before rolling her eyes and getting into her own teasing- Katherine was proud of her cousin for learning how to put her walls down.

"Oh! Fair and dignified Lady Catherine, would you please bring me the greatest honor of allowing me to take my cousin's company on a night out on the city… after my bedtime?" Anne's dramatic and theatrical impression made the women in the room laugh even harder, and she broke into laughter, not able to keep a straight face.

"No, dear cousin! I have yet to ask permission to my Lady Seymour!" Katherine said in the same theatrical manner as the women before her did, but this time only Maria and Bessie laughed. She quickly panicked at the silence that followed- her brain trying to understand if she did something wrong by attempting to participate in the joke. Although the queens seemed to be confused, rather than uncomfortable.

"You haven't told her yet?" Anna's question surprised the young girl. Weren't they joking moments ago about the possibility of Anne having to ask permission to Catalina? So why would Katherine needing Jane's permission be taken seriously?

Catherine broke the silence, since she seemed to sense the girl's confusion and slight discomfort. 

"Querida, you should let Jane know before you make plans to go out with someone."

"Wait, are you guys serious?" Both ladies in waiting were far more confused than the others- although Bessie was still with a puzzled smile, looking at the others for a hint that this was still part of the joke.

"Jane and Kat spend every day off together. Jane probably thinks this Monday won't be any different- it's only common courtesy to let her know." Cathy clarified for the women, who let out 'Ohhh's of understanding and nodded, already starting a different conversation. It really did make sense.

Katherine and Jane never spent much time away from each other- the only exception was if one of them was chosen to go grocery shopping with someone else, or something similar- but they had never purposefully made completely different plans for a _whole evening_. It was only natural that Katherine would have to inform the blonde if she made other plans. (Well, technically Katherine had spent a whole afternoon away from Jane with Catalina once... but that was different. That day was planned by Jane herself.)

The guilt and shame started to weigh on her chest. Jane would have considered her before making plans of her own. They had a whole routine together and Katherine had dismissed it so easily, without even thinking about her mother figure. Even the others noticed before she did that she was being selfish and _ungrateful._

Jane would be so disappointed in her.

"Besides," Catalina sat down on the sofa next to Katherine, putting a hand on the girl's knees. She spoke softly- maybe because she noticed the teenager was upset, or maybe because she wanted to have a more private conversation without the others paying attention. "Jane cares a lot about you, cariño, it's not nice for a mother to not know where or how her kids are. You just need to let her know where you'll go when you ask her- I'm sure she will have no problem with it."

_Ask…_ Katherine wasn't sure if _'ask'_ was the right word for it. 

Sure, she had to inform Jane that she was going out- but _asking_ her and hoping that 'she would have no problem with it' seemed a little different. Catalina was telling her to ask Jane's authorization.

The teenager looked at her cousin for guidance, ready to hear Anne's laughter and some snarky comment. The second queen was always the first to argue against Jane- whether the blonde was there or not, Anne would try and find a way to annoy and contradict her. (Along with Aragon, Jane was the one Anne liked to fight with the most.)

Anne seemed to be paying attention to the conversation the others were having in front of them, but when Katherine poked her in the ribs she turned to them already rolling her eyes.

"Yeah, yeah, ask her. I do not need Seymour pulling my dick for taking her baby out without permission." Anne said turning back to her phone before her cousin could say anything. She sounded bored, and a little impatient.

Katherine nodded slowly.

**********

_'I'm going to the movies on Monday.'_ No. Too demanding.

_'Can I go to the movies on Monday?'_ No. She was not asking for permission.

_'I thought about going to the movies on Monday.'_ No. It would seem like an invitation.

Katherine Howard was not nervous. Really, she wasn't. She didn't even know she was supposed to 'inform' (ask?) Jane that she was going out, but apparently that was expected of her. She wanted to do it right. That was why she spent almost two days planning the proper way to do it.

_'Anne wants to go to the movies with me on Monday.'_ Good. It was not a question nor a demand, simply a statement. She repeated the question in her head over and over before looking for Jane- she liked to practice and be prepared.

_'Anne wants to go to the movies with me on Monday.'_ She repeated it to herself. Jane was not in her room, not in the living room or in the garden. Katherine tiptoed to the kitchen, she saw the elder focused on her task and took a deep breath before entering the room- she didn't know how the blonde's mood was today. Jane was cooking hers and Katherine's dinner- Saturday, a two show day, which meant they'd eat at the theater. 

"Mommy!" Katherine called with the sweetest and most excited voice she could muster. She felt a little less apprehensive when she saw Jane puffing up her chest proudly and turning to smile brightly at her.

"This one is new!" Jane was almost blushing- it was clear that she liked the new name. For a moment Katherine wondered if she was a bad person for calling Jane something she knew would make the blonde happy just because she needed her in a good mood. She waved off the guilt quickly though- she made Jane happy; it didn't matter the reason why…

"It is!" She prayed that Jane wouldn't notice the shakiness in her overenthusiastic voice as she sat on the counter next to the eldest. Katherine did this often- just being around her mother figure for hours without actually doing anything- so Jane didn't question when the girl stayed next to her the full time while making dinner, rehearsing in her head what to say.

"Anne wants to take me to the movies on Monday." Katherine tried to announce it casually, suddenly very interested in studying the kitchen's wallpaper, but the tension on her tone betrayed her. It was not like she was anxious; Jane _technically_ couldn't forbid her to go anywhere… but it was still nicer to have her mother's support for things.

For her luck, Jane only frowned slightly, her smile didn't fade- just turned confused- and she didn't stop making the food. Ok, good enough for now. "Shouldn't you go with a proper adult, honey?"

The lack of any sharpness on her tone made the girl relax and chuckle. "Isn't Anne older than y...-" bad choice. Katherine's humorous voice died as she saw Jane tensing slowly and her expression becoming harsher. 

It was definitely not Cold Jane yet, just Jane a little irritated. "I- I mean… Anne is really excited, but I told her I had to ask my mama first." 

Jane looked up to see the teen was now making puppy eyes at her- plus being called 'mama' softened her briefly damaged pride. She sighed, Katherine knew her weak spots. "I don't see why not." She laughed as the girl jumped from the balcony making an excited noise.

Katherine stopped herself before she could say 'Thank you'- Jane was not doing her a favor. She didn't need Jane's permission to go places, so she shouldn't thank her for allowing it. The teen knew that, but she still couldn't help feeling grateful like a child whose mother allowed them to eat sugar.

So Katherine hugged Jane and kissed her cheeks multiple times, making the blonde laugh- she hoped that would be enough to show Jane her appreciation without her actually having to say it.

The teen was ready to run upstairs and tell Anne the good news, but she turned around when she heard Jane's voice once more.

"I love you." 

"I love you more!" Katherine said proudly with a sappy smile, seeing Jane putting a hand on her chest in a mocking offended expression.

"Well, I love you better!" Jane's tone was jokingly stern, showing that she won the fake 'who loves more' competition started by Kitty.

Katherine smiled even wider; the feeling of Jane's love, the warm, the look of affection aimed at her, knowing that Jane _cared_ so much. There was nothing like that. The anxiousness from moments before being replaced by the sweet relief of Jane's reassurance. Nothing compared to that sensation. 

She felt that she'd have probably started crying if she thought about it any longer, so she kissed her mother's cheek once more before running up the stairs. She had clothes to choose for her big night out!

  
  


**************

  
  


On Sunday Jane had a bad day. Katherine should have seen it coming, really, the signs were obvious. It had all started in the morning:

8:17am 

"This is why we can't do nice things! I swear if they don't come in 3 minutes I will-" Anne was soon interrupted by the sound of the front door opening, and Catalina's happy voice announcing they were home. Katherine let out a relieved sigh as they ran to the hall- Anne's anger was starting to make her anxious.

Jane and Catherine had decided to make a special breakfast with something called 'fondue' that they saw on one of their soap operas. The Spanish queen woke them up earlier than they normally would on a weekend, and ordered them to get the cheeses and chocolates ready while she and Jane went to buy the croissants. Now, something that Anne did not appreciate was being awakened early _and_ being hungry.

"Where the hell were you two!?" Anne yelled, yanking the two bags of pastries out of Catalina's hand. Jane was taken aback by the harshness in which they were received, and looked anxiously at the others to see if they were also angered by their lateness. To her relief, Anna and Cathy were only mildly annoyed- if not a little amused by how short tempered Anne could get when hungry.

"I'm sorry, but Lina and I stopped by a park with this cute playground, and there were so many adorable little kids running around. We just had to stay there for a little bit looking at them," Jane apologized, her contented smile rapidly slipping from her face.

"Do you think the cops will show up at our door and make us explain why two grown women were watching children at a park?" Anna whispered to Cathy, as the two took their places besides each other at the table.

"You spent fifty minutes looking at kids?" Anne asked grumpily, already at the table and her mouth full.

"No. Jane decided to do something before we came back-" Catalina rolled her eyes at Anne's manners but still kept her humorous expression.

"Please don't tell us you kidnapped a child!" Cathy interrupted.

"I decided we had to stop to buy _this_ !" Jane pointedly ignored Cathy's joke and took a stuffed animal from behind her back. She looked at Katherine expectantly, waiting for a reaction. When she didn't get one, she waved it meaningfully at the youngest. She saw a kid in the park playing with one of those, and just couldn't _not_ think about how cute and happy her daughter would be with it. "It's a stuffed whale!"

Katherine hurriedly broke out of her confusion, quickly adopting the appropriate response to Jane's so thoughtful gift. She made a surprised sound, as if she was only now seeing the toy and smiled, eyes widening a little.

"It's a stuffed whale!" She repeated in a happy tone and stretched her arms, opening and closing her hands in a silent request for Jane to hand it to her- which warmed Jane's heart by the adorableness of it all. The blonde gave her the toy, and Katherine hugged it tight, moving closer to her. "Thank you, Janey!"

"You're welcome, my love!"

"Yeah, yeah, Kitty is adorable. Can we eat now?"

9:50am 

Earlier that week, Cathy, Anna and Katherine had bought a video game together. (Well, technically Cathy and Anna were the ones who decided to buy it, did the research on the best model, and actually bought it. But Kat gave part of the money, so she could call the video game hers too). She was still learning, so Anna had put the game on it's easiest setting for Kitty to play against Anne.

"Now you press X to open the small door and wait for Anne to pass." Anna instructed, rolling over the small couch.

"Okay. How do I jump for the-" Katherine stopped mid sentence when her peripheral vision captured something coming too close to her face. She jumped back a little to see Jane next to her holding a slice of apple near her mouth. "Hi, Janey… can I help you?"

Jane laughed awkwardly at that- probably realizing that she should have said something before simply trying to put food in her daughter's mouth without warning.

"I thought you needed a snack, honey. I made the apple slices with peanut butter that you like!" 

"Oh... thanks, Jane!" Katherine opened her mouth and turned back to the TV, soon feeling Jane popping a bite size apple piece with peanut butter into her mouth. The blonde hand fed her the entire apple like that. Sure, Katherine was feeling pretty full- she had eaten a very generous breakfast less than two hours before- but Jane had already made the snack and she wouldn't like her wasting it. Besides, she was focused on her game- if she said she didn't want it, maybe Jane would be upset and try to convince her, so then she'd have to stop playing, the others would be upset and she would've ended up eating it anyway.

And it was just an apple anyway, so whatever.

"It's funny because Jane is literally the only one of us who's not old enough to be Kat's mother." Anne joked, although only herself and Anna chuckled. Katherine glanced at Jane out of the corner of her eye, but quickly looked straight back at the television when she saw the blonde's jaw tightening.

"Hey, Anna! Where do I press again to run!?" Katherine’s awkward laugh made Anna frown at her high pitched and shaky voice, but Jane spoke before she could say something about it.

"You're not old enough to be her mother either!" Jane's irritated tone made the teen tense, hoping that no one would say anything else to upset the blonde.

Katherine looked at Anne from the corner of her eyes again- she did _not_ want to get into that argument, but she wanted a way to tell her cousin to just shut up. The woman just chuckled, clearly not giving as much importance to the argument as Jane was.

"There's a lot of young teen moms nowadays."

Jane opened her mouth to respond, but closed it again when she felt Katherine cuddling against her side. The teen reached for her new stuffed animal at the other side of the sofa and put it on her lap.

"Thank you again for the stuffie, Mum." The teen whispered, trying not to give Anne any more ammunition to tease either of them. Jane still sent the second queen an angry stare, but she breathed calmer as she looked down at Kitty and petted her head for a few seconds.

Katherine sent the blonde another grateful smile before looking back at her game; soon after that the blonde got up and left the room, closing the door with a bit more force than necessary.

The youngest queen sighed. It was going to be a long day.

10:45pm 

Katharine breathed a sigh of relief when they finally got home. Jane had been more sensitive than usual, so the teen had had to be a little more attentive to her moods- it was not like she was complaining, of course not, but she would've been lying if she said she wasn't grateful that the day was over.

When they took a nap together between shows, Katherine could hear the audiobooks Jane was listening to on her headphones. Surely "King Edward VI: A Life from Beginning to End" was not a good choice, especially when she was already in a rather delicate mood- she would always get more anxious after listening to it, and yes, that meant more hugs for Kitty, but it also meant that Jane wouldn't let her out of her sight.

Katherine didn't say anything about it though. Jane had told her to sleep after all.

"Did you brush your teeth yet, Kitty?" Katherine nodded at Jane's question, feeling her fingers running through her hair. The blonde had told her to kneel in front of her so that she could brush and braid her hair _again_ \- for the third time that day. "I was thinking we could bake you some cookies tomorrow." She nodded once again, not really listening to what was being said. "Great, I'm going to plan something fun for us to do tomorrow then!"

That finally got Katherine's attention. She raised her head slightly from the previous relaxed position, but didn't turn around.

"Oh, no, I'm going out with Annie tomorrow, remember?" There was a long pause, and the girl could feel Jane's fingers slowing down on her hair, until they completely stopped- that was when she turned around.

"Oh, honey, I thought you'd like to have a mother and daughter's day?" Jane's smile was so hopeful, seemingly confused at Katherine's statement. It made the youngest's heart race- it seemed too much like the last time Jane had worn that expression, when she reminded her of how easily _mistaken_ she could get.

"I-I told you I'd go to the movies on Monday."

Jane frowned puzzled at that. "I don't think you did, honey. Are you sure?"

"Yes!" Katherine winced when Jane shot her a warning glance for raising her voice. "Sorry. Yes, I'm one hundred percent sure I told you."

There it was: Jane's slightly shaky smile, where the corner of her lips would tremble just a little- the first sign for Cold Jane. The blonde narrowed her eyes, making the youngest cower, but still held the wooden smile.

"I only thought about it because you already went out alone last week… but if that wasn't enough time without me, I understand."

"No, no! It's not about time without you! It's just that I never went out alone with Anne, and I already told her I'm going with her!"

"You're right to want some time away from me… maybe I do suffocate you a little too much. You should probably sleep on your own bed tonight." Jane continued as if she hadn't heard the girl, getting up and taking her pillows from the bed. 

"No! No, please. It's not about time away from you, and you know it. You do not suffocate me. It's just that Anne and I already planned it, and I asked you and you said 'yes'." Katherine jumped from her spot on the floor, snatching the pillows from Jane's hands and throwing them back at the bed. 

The guilt she was feeling was overpowered by anger- no, more like indignation, really, she could never be angry at Jane, the blonde was always so kind to her after all. Jane had told her that she could go- and again, it was not like she needed Jane's permission, she didn't, but Jane _did_ tell her that she could!- and now she wanted to keep her from actually going.

Jane looked truly sad at that, making the youngest’s heart hurt a little with guilt. The oldest stared at the picture of her son's portrait that she kept at her bedside table, then quickly back at Katherine- as if she were scared that the girl had disappeared in the short moment she took her eyes off her.

She sat back down on the bed and lowered her head, for a moment seeming genuinely heartbroken- but that small glimpse was gone when she raised her head again, looking at Katherine almost coldly.

"Catherine told me you planned to go out with Anne long before you told me." At least there was no sadness in Jane's voice, only a bit of anger and resentment- honestly Katherine preferred it that way, the thought of making Jane sad was way worse than the fear of making her angry. The youngest opened her mouth but closed it again when she realized she had nothing to defend herself with- she did in fact forget about Jane before selfishly making plans on her own. When Jane realized she would not receive an answer from the girl who was now looking down at the floor, she continued. "I don't blame you… you don't want me around anymore, that's fine. So please take your things before you go back to your room."

"N-no! Jane-" Katherine took a deep breath, she was at the verge of tears and knew that she would end up crying if she didn't calm down. For some reason the idea of being vulnerable at the moment made her uneasy- which was strange because Jane had seen her way worse than that; the blonde had helped her through panic attacks and nightmares, she had no reason to be scared of crying in front of her. She took Jane's hand and sat down next to her on the bed. "Mama, plea-"

Jane snatched her hand away from Katherine's. "You can't call me 'Mama' whenever you want to manipulate me into doing what you want, Katherine." She sounded so disappointed it made the girl wince. The shame, knowing that Jane _knew_ how much of a manipulative bad person she was- maybe the history books were right, maybe she did play with everyone around her. She lowered her head and closed her eyes tight, trying to keep the tears away. "You cannot keep charming your way with people."

"I'm sorry." She choked out, eyes still squeezed tightly shut- honestly it reminded her of being a little kid hiding underneath the blanket, hoping that if she couldn’t see the monster under the bed, the monster wouldn’t be able to see her. She stayed like that for a minute, trying to stabilize her breathing- she wished desperately that Jane would just hug her and tell her everything would be ok. She kept waiting to feel Jane’s comforting touch… but it didn't come.

Katherine finally had the courage to open her eyes and raise her head- part of her preparing herself to face Cold Jane, and the other part ready to see the sympathetic gaze and jump to comforting arms- but all she saw was Jane just staring at her. She didn't seem mad or disappointed anymore, but she didn't look warm and loving either, she was just… waiting.

The girl let her gaze drop once again, bringing her fingers to Jane's thigh and drawing little circles with it- a silent plea for physical contact.

"Katherine?" The sound of Jane using her full name made the girl wince and pull her hand back like it had been burned.

"Yes?" At any other time she would have hated how weak and hesitant her voice sounded, but at the moment she was too worried about disappointing Jane again to care.

The blonde once again took Katherine's pillow and put it into the girl's hands. "You should go to sleep now, you have a big day with Anne tomorrow."

She looked at it, then back at Jane gesturing to the door.

"Or I can stay with you! I mean, tonight and tomorrow…" she said in a low voice, staring at the pattern of her pillowcase.

"Are you sure, honey? You don't want to go out with Anne?"

"Yes… yes, I'm sure." She looked up, hesitation in her eyes as she silently pleaded for the bad feeling and guilt to be over soon. Luckily for her, the one small smile she received from Jane was enough to make almost everything go away.

The oldest raised her hand and Katherine eagerly ducked her head beneath it, her heart truly starting to calm down at the blonde's touch and affection.

"That's fine, love. If you don't want to go anymore, you don't have to." The youngest nodded against Jane's shoulder, already holding her torso in an awkward attempt of a hug, wishing more than everything that Jane would wrap her arms around her too. "Do you want to stay with me, then?" The girl once again nodded strongly, this time breathing in relief right after when Jane hugged her back.

"I love you." She whispered, terrified that she wouldn't hear it back.

"I love you more." 

She could have cried from relief.

"I love you better."

  
  


*****

  
  


Katherine took a deep breath before knocking on her cousin's door, on Anne’s response, she opened the door to see Anne sitting on her bed with a book in her hands. 

"Hi, Kitkat. No, I don't want to play video games, thank you, Cathy and Anna already called me." Anne smiled, but didn’t take her eyes off the book.

"Oh… no… I just wanted to talk to you… about our day out tomorrow?" The hesitation in the youngest's voice made Anne close her book and eye her suspiciously.

Katherine had been so proud and happy when Anne invited her on a day out. Her cool cousin wanting to go out with her. _Anne Boleyn_ wanted her company. She had heard so many stories as a kid about the great Anne Boleyn, about how she was bringing honour to the family's name, about how success ran in their blood and if she was clever and pretty enough, she might also achieve great things like Anne. Until, of course, Anne's name became a prohibited dirty word, and it turned out the Howards and the Boleyns suddenly were not even that close anyway.

It made Katherine wonder if that happened with her too. If little Howard girls heard about her, about her success, if they were taught to be just like their big cousin Katherine… until they weren’t.

"Yes?"

"Well… I can't go."

"You can't go?"

"I can't go. I'm gonna spend the day with Jane."

"You were so excited! Why can't you go all of the sudden-?" Anne got up slightly irritated, before stopping and studying her cousin doubtfully. "Did Jane tell you not to go out with me?" She let out an annoyed scoff and rolled her eyes.

Katherine uncomfortably shifted her weight from one foot to the other. Jane and Anne had several fights when they first came back, in some weeks they were even more common than Catalina's and Anne's fights, so it was still awkward when they'd talk about each other in an annoyed manner. Katherine still remembers when they'd only refer to each other as 'Mistress Seymore' and 'Mistress Bullen'. ("We all know it's 'Bullen' you pretentious French whore!").

She winced at the memory- she did _not_ need them on bad terms again.

"No! Of course not. It's just that… I had a small panic attack just now." She almost felt guilty for lying as she saw Anne's expression turning concerned. Almost. "I-I'm ok now, really. But you know how tired I get after… and it normally means that I'm not well and I must be more careful than usual because anything can trigger something bigger and I'm really sorry-"

"Hey, hey. No, don't apologize." Anne interrupted her cousin who had started rambling, seeming too distressed. She cupped the youngest face, making her relax at the realization that Anne wasn't mad at her. "Of course I want you to stay home if you don't feel it's safe for you to go out. Do you want me to stay here with you?"

"No. I don't think I'm gonna be much fun, and Jane is going to stay with me. You should enjoy the day off, really, she's going to take care of me." Katherine reaffirmed- she didn't want to keep her cousin, who always liked to go out, from enjoying her day; and besides, a 'mother and daughter's day wouldn't be the same if the others were there.

"Well, good thing you have Jane then." Anne smiled jokingly and messed with the youngest's hair. Katherine nodded seriously at that. "I'm gonna go downstairs to ask Anna if I can accompany her tomorrow." After a quick kiss on the forehead, she left.

******

If Katherine wasn't utterly exhausted before, she sure was by the end of the night. It was a great effort to make herself go down the stairs to the kitchen- part of her wondering if she should have told Jane, and the other part scolding herself for thinking she should ask permission to get a cup of water.

"I don't mean that she's being _forced_ to. I just said that _I_ myself wouldn't like to do it." Cathy's voice came from the living room, making the youngest proceed quietly since she didn't have the energy to socialize with anyone else that night.

"Well, it's not like Jane is some kind of saint neither. She prides herself in her 'mother skills', doesn't she? That's part of it." Anne's mention of Jane got the girl's attention.

"Girl, this is the second time that she wastes a day off _exclusively_ for her. She already took her individual day off of the month to take care of Kat when she got sick, remember? Again, I'm not saying that she's being forced to or that she hates it, just that I wouldn't want to spend every free day babysitting." 

"Katherine is not a child. Jane is not _babysitting_." At least Anna was defending her.

"Kat doesn't do her own laundry or food. Jane does almost all of her chores, and pays for a lot of her things. She doesn't know how to take the underground alone, and I'm pretty sure she doesn't know our address."

"Ok, fair." Katherine looked down in shame as she realized that even if she were to defend herself, she wouldn't have arguments against that- Jane indeed did all of those things from her. "But it's not like Jane doesn't like to be a mother."

"That's the difference. Jane _likes_ to be a mother, Katherine _needs_ to be mothered." Anne was right. Katherine needed Jane more than Jane needed her. Even the others knew that.

"And we have no right to judge her. Kat found a good coping mechanism, and Jane is helping her with it. Nothing wrong with that- just as there's nothing wrong with you obsessively watching yourself in Tudor dramas all the time, or me and Cathy visiting the palaces- all of it is a valid way to cope." Catalina spoke for the first time in a warning tone, soon being met by noises of agreement from everyone else.

"We were not judging Kat-" Anne started in an offended tone, but was quickly interrupted by Cathy.

"Just saying that Jane is very kind for helping her cope so much."

Jane was really so very kind. More than Katherine deserved. She was so selfish, so so self-centered. She made Jane insecure about their relationship and about how much she meant to her. Jane helped her so much, and all she did was take advantage of it- all of them saw it too. Maybe the sentiment of indignation at being called a child would be bigger if the guilt wasn't taking so much goddamn space.

She bowed her head in shame as she walked back to the room, ready to give Jane the appreciation she deserved.

Katherine would be better. She would be everything Jane deserved.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please tell me what you think. Any questions, comments, criticisms.  
> @shut-up-heather-d if you ever want to send anything over there, more than welcome.  
> And @cynicalrainbows if you want to read literally the best fanfics of this fandom.


	5. Playground

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Not me coming in here pretending that it hasn’t been 7 weeks since I updated… Do you guys remember me?  
> Anyways here’s a new chapter! Oh, and just to let you know that Kitty is Courtney Monsma from the Australian cast.  
> And that I’ll be playing with “opposite” versions of Anne’s and Cathy’s character, because I want to give them more personality traits than “gremlin” and “writer”. So Anne is a more serious, historical version; while Cathy is more fun and laid back and easy going. I have already been writing them that way but I thought to make it clear.  
> Oh, and half the chapter is in Jane's POV.  
> Thank you so much for everyone who commented until now. It really helped me a lot. Hope you like it :)

The high pitch scream was the first thing Katherine heard as she walked into the kitchen.

“Oh, Dios mío. Mi niña está tan hermosa!” Catalina raved at the sight of the younger girl wearing the dress she had bought her a week before.

_Spanish._ Catalina was emotional.

Katherine sighed discreetly and did her best to smile genuinely as she took her place at the table. She should’ve predicted this when one of the first things Jane said that morning was for her to ‘put on the pretty dress that Lina was so kind to have bought for her’. She just hoped that the other girls wouldn’t tease her too much about it. 

“Isn’t she adorable? I bought her this hea-... honey, where is your headband?” Jane joined in on the ‘drooling over Kitty’ time, but interrupted herself when she turned around from the stove and saw the girl not wearing the accessory. 

“I’ll put it on later.” Katherine mumbled, filling her mouth with pancakes- the ones that Jane had promised to the teen if she got ready earlier, just so that Catalina could see her before leaving.

“No, sweetie, go put it on now. Lina has to leave soon and she’d like to see you wearing it.” She scolded gently and turned to the first queen. “You will love it, it fits so well with the dress and she looks twice as cute with it!”

“I already sat down. I’ll put it on after I’m done eating.” Kat objected in a slightly grumpy tone, making the blonde frown and raise an eyebrow at her rudeness. Jane seemed ready to order her again more strictly, but Catherine spoke before she had a chance to.

“It’s ok, babe, I’ll probably be back before you guys, so I can see it when you get home,” the Spanish queen reasoned, catching Anne’s attention.

“Wait, are you two going out? I thought the whole point of Kat staying was so that she could rest?” She asked, a small amount of hurt in her voice that made Katherine stop mid bite and look at Jane for guidance.

“Well… yes… but going out at night to see a movie that might trigger her is very different from going out during the day to a calm park and have a picnic, which is what we’re going to do.” The third queen answered, without turning around from the stove- maybe she felt guilty and didn’t want to face Anne, the youngest supposed.

“Yeah, I guess you're right...” Anne mumbled as she played with her food indifferently. The second queen was not hurt by it- and Katherine knew that her cousin understood it was different circumstances, but that barely erased her guilty conscience. 

Katherine had rationalised her lie all night. She had told Anne that she couldn’t go because of a panic attack, and therefore was too distressed to go out. Even though she did not have a panic attack, she was indeed too distressed to go out without Jane. So actually, it was only a half lie… really. 

“I thought we were going to have waffles for brunch?” Anna broke the slightly awkward silence that had settled among them.

“Oh, Kitty wanted pancakes.” Jane, who was already done cooking and was putting the rest of the ingredients away before joining them, declared simply.

“Kitty wanted pancakes!” Cathy imitated, mocking the blonde’s cheery tone. “Why do we always do what Kat wants?” She grumbled.

“Because Kitty is the queen of this house and should always get whatever she wants.” Jane answered in an overly exaggerated serious tone as she sat down.

Katherine giggled at that. She liked it a lot when her mom spoiled her, partially because it meant that she was in a good mood, but mostly because it was how Jane demonstrated her love. Cooking her favorite food, embroidering her clothes, making her snacks- while Katherine would follow her around and hug her to show her devotion, Jane would do acts of service like those. And it also annoyed the others, which was a bonus. 

“Because Jane is the one who does the cooking and she likes to spoil her daughter rotten.” Catalina interfered before Cathy could complain even further. Katherine decided not to point out that Lina was washing her goddaughter’s plate, like she did very often. “I’m sorry, but we have to go now. Mija, go take your wallet.”

The first queen went around the kitchen giving each one of them a hug of goodbye, and stopping a little longer at Katherine to pinch her cheeks lightly. She was already at the end of the corridor before calling out to the third queen.

“Jane, good luck, remember what I told you, and call me if you need help.” Jane’s face became a light shade of pink, and her eyes went a little wide- as if Catalina had just yelled an embarrassing secret about her. She glanced at the others before chanting back her goodbye.

Half an hour later Anne and Anna left in a rush.

(“No, Bessie, of course we weren’t playing video games… Yes, we left at the same time as Lina… Of course I know that Lina picked Maria up ten minutes ago, but we got lost… We’re very close don’t worry, just five more minutes… ok, bye.” Anna said on the phone as she put on her shoes and turned off the video game they lost track of time on. “Anne please tell me you found your wallet by now!”)

“You’re not mad at me, right?” Katherine asked Anne in a small voice. It wasn’t the best time since her cousin was throwing clothes around to hopefully find her wallet amidst the mess, but it was the only time Katherine had to be alone with her before she left. 

“Of course not. Why would I be?” Anne frowned both at the question and for not being able to stop what she was doing to talk properly with her cousin.

“For not going with you…” Anne should be mad, Katherine thought, it was pretty ungrateful of her to just bail on their plans like that. The second queen’s worried expression quickly lighted up when she saw her purse buried underneath a pile of dirty laundry.

“Found it!” She yelled extra loudly to Anna, who was on the first floor. Before she could leave the room and run to the woman screaming at her to hurry up, she glanced at her baby cousin looking apprehensive on the doorsteps. “Kitkat, I _promise_ I’m not mad at you. I totally understand, you and Jane have this… _thing_ between you guys and she makes you feel calmer. I promise it’s totally ok.”

Katherine didn’t believe her. There was no way Anne wasn’t mad at her… she would have to make it up to her later. Maybe if Katherine teamed up with her against Anna on the family’s game nights? Or if she gave her some of the snacks that Jane would make only for her? Would Anne ignore her like Jane did when Katherine was bad? She hoped not, she didn’t like to be ignored.

With a kiss on the cheek and a hug, Anne was running two flights of stairs to join the fourth queen, Katherine following close behind.

“Bye, Kätzchen. Bye, Jane. Don’t wait for us for dinner.”

“I love you!” Katherine yelled as the front door closed, hoping that they heard her and that Anne would start to forgive her ( _really_ forgive her). 

She went to the kitchen to find her mother figure preparing snacks for their picnic, she was even doing the mini apple sandwiches that Kitty liked. Jane looked up from her task and smiled at Katherine. Just like that it was like everything fell into place. It would be alright. Everything was ok while Jane was there. 

“We will be leaving in twenty minutes, sweetie. Go brush your teeth and put on your headband.”

Katherine nodded. She would be fine.

  
  
  


*************

  
  


Jane kept staring at the map at the metro station. She had been so sure that she would remember everything. She couldn’t rely on knowing the name of the stations- words were too tricky, they took their time to form in her brain, they were not reliable to make sense whenever Jane needed them. So she developed her own system to take the subway alone (well, she was technically not alone, but Kitty was a child, of course): she’d count the stations of where she left to where she needed to go.

She was good at tricks like that: stare at your menu for a few minutes before ordering in cafes, so as not to arouse suspicion. Make a point of talking loudly and often about how reading small print gives you a headache without your non existent glasses.

Unfortunately for her, Kitty’s constant chattering made her lose count.

There were twenty stops between their house and the main station, that one wasn’t too hard- it was the big dot in the wheel ceiling, and the one that almost everyone left on- and the way that Kitty held her hand on the crowded place reminded her that she was in control of something. She’d only have to navigate through the station, find their next line (the yellow one, no mistake) and count twelve more stops. That was it, then Jane would have officially taken her daughter on a walk, like a _proper mother_.

But then Kitty saw a street musician and that excitement, combined with the sugar that Jane regretted letting her have that morning, was enough to make the girl very excited, and when Kitty was both excited and on a sugar high she would not shut up.

_(“Yes, Kitty, of course I knew we were on the ‘Downtown’ platform, I read the plaque. I just wanted to show you the man playing guitar.”_

  
  


_Fifth stop..._

  
  


_“Do you think there will be a person playing something at the park too?”_

  
  


_Sixth stop._

  
  


_“Oh! Remember that time when we saw that woman drawing people but she was charging fifteen pounds and you didn’t let me do it?”_

  
  


_Seventh stop…_

_“You will let me buy something if I want to, right? Because I have twenty pounds in my wallet but you never take my wallet when we go out… not that I don’t appreciate that you buy things for me… but I do have money.”_

  
  


_Ninth stop… wait… had I counted an eighth stop?_

  
  


_“Did you pack more than four cookies, right? Because when I told you to pack four cookies I meant for myself. I won’t share my cookies… unless you buy me ice cream… but I want the fancy twelve pound ice cream, not the cheap four pound that doesn’t even have jelly beans.”_

  
  


_Tenth stop… I guess…)_

  
  


So Jane wished she could say that they got off on that station because she was absolutely sure it was the twelfth stop, not because everybody was getting off and she panicked... 

“What are we still doing here, Mom?”

Jane was too stressed already to even be able to feel the normal warm flare of happiness that she got when Kitty called her that. Right now, she just wanted Kitty to be quiet.

Was that the 11th or 12th stop... 11th or 12th…

She knew it was one or the other- that if it was the twelfth, they’d only have to leave the station and walk a little, but if it was the eleventh they’d have to take the tube for one more stop. If only she could remember which one…

“Janey?”

“In a minute Kitty!”

Why wouldn’t she just be quiet? That was the problem- things were so much louder, so much faster than they used to be. How on earth was she supposed to stop and think?

“I just want to help… what’s the name of the station?”

Kitty’s voice was timid, anxious- and normally Jane would like that too, the little reminder of how truly vulnerable her girl was, of the enormous responsibility that she held by being the one to keep Kitty safe. Now though, she couldn’t enjoy it: she felt harassed, flustered. She was lucky that Catalina had told her the name. 

“Kensington.” She hoped that saying it out loud would make the word appear on the map. It was there somewhere, she knew it.

“How do I spell that?” The girl was ready to type it on her phone, looking at Jane expectantly. 

_If I knew how to spell it, we wouldn’t be here!_

  
  


Jane snached the phone from the girl’s hand, ignoring the way she winced and her wide eyes. Kitty would get it wrong- she was a child after all, it was not her fault- and they’d get lost for real. Jane was just preventing that from happening. (It was definitely not because neither of them would be able to take the blonde seriously anymore if she needed a kid’s help.)

The words on the map blurred, as they always did, beetling around the edges. She blinked hard- the blurring stopped but the movement didn’t. She could make out bits and pieces- ‘street’ and ‘station’ were easy but the names that came before were trickier.

A man bumped into her from behind- that was the problem with people today, always rushing, no time. No time to let Jane get herself together, no time to let herself make sense of things- just _rush rush rush, hurry hurry hurry_ , everyone so impatient and smug in their knowledge that they knew what was going on, they were on the same page, they understood. Surely they must know how hard it was if you took longer to pick something up?

But no, it was deliberate really. That was what they wanted, she knew- to trip her up, to expose her, so that they could rub her own ignorance in her face. To show her that she was just as helpless and stupid as Kitty, that she could never be a proper mother.

Well, they weren’t going to do it today.

  
  


“Mum-”

“Katherine, one more word out of you and we won’t be going to the park at all!” Even as she said it, she could feel herself relaxing- it was a defeat, that was true, but a secret defeat. No one had to know that they were turning back because of anything to do with Jane- and really in a way it truly was Kitty’s fault. After all, Jane reflected, if she’d just let me _think_ instead of wittering on….

As she reached out to take her daughter's hand, she caught a glance of a plaque. ‘Ken-’... ‘Kensin-’. The letters finally reorganized and made sense in Jane’s mind- she had only needed to relax, she was not stupid!

_Kensington_.

It was that station. The park was nearby. It was all ok.

Jane’s shoulders sank with relief and she smiled warmly at the anxious girl hovering by her side.

“I’m sorry, sweetheart. I can see you were just excited. How about I give you one more chance to be good?”

Uncertainly, Kitty nodded and followed her, holding her hand a little tighter.

*****

Jane let out a relieved breath when they turned around the corner and she spotted the green grass at the end of the street. Good. She could now laugh at Catalina’s worried gaze while she explained how to get there, and at Parr’s offer to record her the instructions. Take that, Catherines! She was a responsible, capable adult. She was a proper mother!

“Mum?” Jane got apprehensive when she heard her daughter's voice so shaky and scared all of a sudden. She looked around to make sure one one was too close, which was normally the thing that made Katherine distressed in public, before turning to her.

“Yes, sweetie?”

“You know that I love you, right?” Jane frowned at that, not understanding why the girl would feel the need to say it at that moment, or look so anxious. As Kitty tightened her grip on her hand, the blonde understood- she was trying to apologize, still scared because of the scolding. Jane chuckled, her daughter was adorable.

“I love you more Kitty” 

She could see the girl visibly relaxing, as she nood her head and mumbled a small “I love you better.”

Jane's smile widened as they got to the slightly crowded park, she looked at her daughter expectantly.

“We’re here!”

Katherine giggled at the blonde’s excitement, and pointed at a spot on the grass behind the playground. “Can we stay under that tree? There are pretty flowers there.”

“Oh, no honey. We’re staying here!” Jane was so elated to be amongst all of the mothers and kids running around that she didn’t mind Kitty’s confused frown.

“In… the playground?”

The blonde nodded excitedly. “I’ll be seated on that bench while you play.”

Jane was a little disappointed that it wasn’t instinctive for Kitty, but it was ok, Jane herself herself had to learn by watching tv and observing how the mothers at the playground next to their house did it. She didn’t understand why the girl blinked confusedly at that. It seemed pretty straightforward to her.

“While I… play?”

Jane couldn’t help but sigh heavily. She was trying to do something nice with her daughter. She had seen the other moms doing just that on the day that she and Catalina passed by a playground. It was so simple for them- the children would just happily run and play while they watched them like _proper mothers._ Yes, she knew that Kitty was a little bigger than the other kids- that was why they took the subway to so far away from their house, so that Kitty could play on the _big_ playground with the _big_ children. So why was she acting so ungrateful? Nothing Jane did was ever good enough for the girl.

“Kather-”

“I’ll go! I-I mean, thank you, Mum. I really liked the surprise.” The teen interrupted her upcoming lecture with a preppy tone in a slightly trembling voice.

The oldest was a little taken aback by the sudden shift in Katherine’s mood, but relieved that they wouldn’t need to have an argument. She truly didn’t like to scold her daughter- the girl would always get so sad afterwards, so Jane did her best to only discipline her when it was absolutely necessary. Besides, she wouldn’t have it in her to be strict when Kitty was looking so small and waiting anxiously for her answer.

“Ok.” The pink queen calmed down and nodded her head thankfully “I’ll be sitting over there if you need anything.”

Jane planted a kiss on her forehead after she received another enthusiastic nod. She pretended that she didn’t see the uncertainty in Kitty’s eyes as she looked around, trying to figure out what to do, or the way that she sighed when she went in the direction of the lake. It was going well. Kitty would be happy, and Jane would buy her an ice cream on the way back, maybe she would even be called ‘Mama’ today, or maybe her daughter would want to make a tradition out of it!

“Are you new here?” A red haired woman seated next to her interrupted Jane’s thoughts, taking her by surprise. She seemed to be in her late thirties, very tired and carrying a very large cup of coffee with her. But Jane judged she was friendly, given the sweet smile and effort to make small talk. 

“O-oh… yes…” Jane wasn’t exactly an extrovert, she knew that words were not her strong suit, but the Moms at the playground were all talking to each other, so she should try to fit in. “Hmm… I brought my daughter for the first time today.”

“Summer sucks doesn’t it? At least we only have to hold on for a few more weeks.” She jested in a humorous tone, not noticing that Jane hadn’t laughed along. What did the summer have to do with taking their kids to the park? “Did yours get tired of their usual playground and made you come all the way up here too?”

“Hmm… No, I just wanted to give her a treat. It was my idea actually.”

“Oh, that’s so cute! I think it’s quite clear that you only have one.” The wave of guilt hit Jane at those words. Should she correct her? It was technically wrong, she had _two_ kids… sure, she was only raising one of them, but that didn’t-... she was _not_ replacing her little boy. “I have three little demons, between 9 and 4. I promise it gets easier once they are old enough to play on their own… where is yours, by the way?”

Jane, taken away from her thoughts, had to stop and think a little too long about that one. She looked around and Kitty wasn’t in her line of vision. At what age did it stop being irresponsible to let your kid wander off alone?

“Oh, I guess she must be watching the ducks at the lake.” She answered with the most conviction she could, but regretted it when the woman widened her eyes a little in surprise. Was she thinking that Jane was reckless for letting a small child out of her sight? Or worse, that Jane looked too young to have an old enough child that could play around alone? _Stupid young body._

The woman let out an awkward laugh when she realized the rudeness of her reaction, followed by Jane’s own embarrassed chuckle. “Well, they are a handful, even when they are playing by themselves. Is your kid very capricious with some very specific things too?”

Jane perked up at that. Finally, something she could relate to. Kitty’s little whims were something the blonde was strangely honored of complying- because that was what mothers did. 

“Yes! Mine has this thing that she very much likes tomatoes, but only eats them if they’re cut out in cubes, no slices allowed.” Jane felt oddly proud when the woman chuckled and nodded, saying something in agreement. Only _Proper Children_ had strange little caprices like that, and only Proper Mothers got to joke around and complain about them.

“My youngest will only sleep with me. My husband and I hadn’t had the bed to ourselves in six years.”

Again Jane puffed up her chest. “My daughter will only sleep with me too.”

The red hair chuckled in understatement. “Oh my, and they cry so much when you try to put them in their own bed.”

“Why would I want to put her in her own bed? It’s just so cute that they need us to feel safe to sleep.” 

The woman stopped mid-gulp of coffee and gave Jane a strange stare before laughing lightly.

“Wish I had your age and energy.”

Jane smiled widely at that. Yes, she was an enthusiastic mother. She couldn’t understand those women who wanted their kids to grow up so fast- if it was up to her, Kitty would be little forever.

“Anyways,” the woman continued as she took her phone out of her back pocket “are you planning on coming here often? Me and the other moms have this group where we plan playdates and picnicks and stuff. Give me your number.”

The blonde felt her heart racing as she took her own phone. She was going to have a group of mom-friends. A group of real mothers to talk to. This was so much more than she could have hoped for, a way bigger proof that she was a Proper Mother than anything she did that day.

“Sure, here I’ll-”

“Mum, can we go now, please?” Came Kitty’s bored voice from behind her. And just like that, Jane’s hope shattered in front of her eyes.

“ _That’s…_ your daughter?” The woman questioned slowly, uneasiness hidden behind the confusion, as if she was scared that Jane was completely insane.

“I-I mean yeah but-” Jane didn’t have time to complete her explanation. The woman simply got up with a polite, yet judgmental, smile and mumbled some excuse about her children needing her before walking (very fast) at the nearest group of people.

Jane looked defeated at her first chance of having a complete motherhood experience walking away. Then, she could feel her face warming up in anger, and even the unusual migraine that she used to have early in the days when all the queens fought a lot with each other. That stupid headache that only happened when she would get so furious that her vein was apperent in her forehead.

If looks could kill, Katherine Howard would have dropped dead at that instant. And by the way she was wincing under Jane’s stare, she wished she already had.

****************

  
  
  


“Please! I don’t even know what I did wrong!”

Katherine didn't know what to do. Jane was walking so fast and the girl was struggling to keep up with her. She ran a couple of steps ahead and stopped in front of the silver queen.

"Mum, I'm sorry. Please don't be mad at me-" Jane walked around her, like the girl was not even there.

Katherine took a deep breath and closed her eyes tight before continuing to run after her. The underground station was right at the corner. The thought of being in a crowded area without Jane's protection made her want to cry.

The girl reached for the blonde's hand, ready to be ignored like the last time they had a similar situation like that. Jane would pretend she didn't notice her, would not hold her hand back- but Kat could deal with that. As long as she was safe and holding into Jane in the crowded place, the rest would be ok later.

That was not what happened, though. Jane snatched her hand and turned around so fast it made the teen bump into her.

"Don't." It was all the blonde said, but the furious tone was enough to make Katherine's heart skip a beat in fear. She had thought that Cold Jane was bad… but she didn't even know how to name this Jane. The look in her eyes like she was fighting tears, the jaw so tight it probably hurt and how red her face was- all of it was so different from _her_ Jane. "Don't." She repeated once again before continuing to walk to the station.

_In and out._

She could do this. She just had to not cry. Deep breaths.

_In and out._

Crying would make people look at her. The last thing she needed was people staring at her.

“Mum, please, what did I do!?” Once again, it went ignored.

_In and out._

It was so hard. Whenever she got closer to Jane, the blonde would give her a side eye that made her recoil; but if she got more than two steps away it became even harder to breathe. 

_In and out._

So many people. Jane got in the line to the ticket gate, the teen close behind- the third queen would have to turn around to hand her the ticket, so maybe Kat could slip a ‘Thank you, mama’ to try to appease her. Yes, that would work. Her leg kept shaking. She just wanted to be home, cuddle next to her mom, safe in her bed.

_In and out._

Jane passed the turnstile, and Katherine went after her, waiting for the blonde to pass the card again. Except she didn’t. Jane carried on walking.

“Jane!” The teen yelled in hope that it would make her turn around. But she didn't look back- she just kept walking. She was walking away, as if Kat didn't even exist.

_Jane kept walking. Jane kept walking. Away. Away from me. Leaving me behind, leaving me behind like everybody did eventually._

Her hands fluttered uselessly at the turnstile bar. Her eyes burned.

_Don't cry. Don't cry. Don’t cry._

She could hear a pointed cough behind her, someone was tapping their foot impatiently. She was holding them up, she knew she was- she was too slow, too stupid, no wonder they were annoyed.

_Useless, useless, useless and stupid, no wonder Jane doesn’t want me, always ruining things._

The man coughed again, she heard someone muttering but she couldn't focus enough to hear what they were saying. Probably that she was so awful even her mum didn't want her. The turnstile bar was icy under her fingers. She pushed it uselessly, knowing it wouldn’t turn, but still making her cry when it didn't.

_Come on, come on, just open!_

She could barely see Jane now... would she even be able to find her after that? What if she was left forever, what if the others didn't come back for her, what if- the fear shot through her, pushing her up and over the turnstile gate and then she was running.

She saw the familiar blonde hair and ran towards it. She could swear she had saw Jane walking to the opposite direction, but it didn’t matter, she found Jane and she was safe, she could apologize and they would-

“Can I help you?” The stranger Katherine had just grabbed asked in a hostile tone instead of a scared one, realizing that the sobbing girl was more of an annoyance than a threat. Katherine opened her mouth before closing it again, the shock preventing her from crying even more.

_Fuck, fuck, fuck fuck! Jane was wearing a blue jacket, not a white shirt! Why do you have to be so stupid!?_

She would have broken down right there, if she hadn’t turned around to recognize Jane’s blonde hair- this time it was truly her hair with the distinct length at upper back. She ran to it, without apologizing to the woman she had just disturbed, or caring about the people she was bumping into.

Faceless figures pushed around and in front of her and Katherine could hardly make her out- was that the blue of Jane’s jacket or was that someone else? How would she get home if she lost her? She didn't know the way- she didn't need to know the way because Jane always guided her, helped at all times- no wonder she was sick of her. If Jane disappeared, how would Katherine get home? Would she ever get home? If she stayed there long enough, would people stop seeing her? There was a man, grey faced and blank eyed, hunched on a flattened cardboard box- people passed him without a glance. He stared blankly back at her when she looked at him. Was he left behind once too? Did people run away from him, before they stopped seeing him altogether?

  
_I don't want to be left, I don't want to be left Idon'twanttobeleft, Idon’t- I can’t breathe._

The loud sound of the tube arriving only made it worse. She kept turning around, trying spot the blonde hair again through her tears and then, like a miracle- and surely it felt like a miracle, because a middle aged, worried-looking woman had just made eye contact with her, and Katherine knew she was about to ask if she was ok, and that was something she definitely didn’t want- she saw Jane looking directly at her with an annoyed expression, and then getting into the tube. Jane had waited for her!

_Jane, Jane Janejanejane. Run, run, run!_

Katherine wished she could say that getting inside the tube made her panic disappear, but it didn’t. People kept staring at her- not that she blamed them, if an overly pale, aggressively shaking and crying girl ran into their waggon, she would stare too. She slowly got closer to where Jane was seated, looking down and trying her best to control her shaking. The blonde glared at her from the corner of her eyes, but removed her bag from the seat next to her.

“T-thank you.” She whispered as she took the seat. She didn’t want people paying attention to her, and apparently neither did Jane, the blonde just kept staring straight ahead, not reacting when Kitty moved closer to her. _Oh, Cold Jane._ It was better than the furious Jane from minutes before, the teen pondered. 

“M-mama? I’m sorry.” The whispered stutter did little to make Jane feel sorry for her. She still didn’t look at the youngest, but she at least acknowledged her by making a hush sound and motion- an order for her to stay quiet.

Katherine nodded obediently at that and leaned against the seat to try to control her breathing and shaky hands.

_In and out._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please tell me what you think. Is Jane's mind the way you imagined? Do you guys want more of her POV or would prefere if her motivations and character in general were more mysterious?


	6. How she got unfriended

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you guys so much for the patience and for the lovely feedback. I’m shy and sometimes don’t know how to answer the comments (and if I’m even supposed to answer them or if the authors are supposed to not answer but anyway). I appreciate every comment and it always makes me very very happy :)

As the door banged behind them Katherine felt like she could finally breathe. Jane had calmed down- yes, she was still painfully cold towards the youngest queen, and every so often she’d shoot the girl a glare that made her recoil, but at least she had lost that enraged look. Most importantly, they were home. Katherine wouldn’t have to worry herself sick at the prospect of getting lost again.

She tried not wincing at the sounds of Jane’s angry footsteps as she followed her upstairs, or by the way the blonde slammed the bedroom door closed behind her before Kat could get in.

_Deep breaths… In and out…_

Katherine turned the handle hesitantly, but got inside the room slowly when no reprehension followed. Jane simply ignored her presence as she took off her jacket and shoes. She wondered if it was for the best to be in the room while Jane was still so obviously mad at her, but the idea of being alone somehow seemed worse- like Jane would ignore her forever if she didn’t make herself seen, if she didn’t make sure that her mum still remembered she existed.

She reached for one of her pink pillows, feeling a bit safer as she hugged it and brought her knees close to her chest. Katherine slept with Jane more often than not, especially in the past three weeks, so it was more practical to just have her pillows and blanket in the blonde’s bedroom. At that moment she was grateful for it, maybe she would get scolded if she tried to find comfort in Jane’s own things.

“I try to do one nice thing!” Jane’s growl made Katherine look up in surprise. She wasn’t expecting to be acknowledged anymore today. “I try to do one nice thing for us and you have to be an ungrateful little brat!”

Katherine lowered her head. She didn’t know what that feeling was. Guilt, shame, fear… anger. Whatever it was, she didn’t like it, she just wanted it to stop! Not for the first time, she wished that Jane would yell. Jane never yelled, not at her anyway, and the teen knew that she should be grateful for it, but sometimes that composed anger was worse. Sometimes Jane whispered so low it made her want to beg for her to just scream already and get things over with.

“I try to be a good mother by taking you out, trying to make you have fun and maybe, just _maybe_ get a little appreciation. But no! You have to ruin it by making it very clear my efforts to please you are worthless. Thank you for teaching me to never take you out again… this is what you wanted isn’t it? So now you can go ask Anne or Lina to take you on a walk since they’re so much better than me.” At that point Jane wasn’t even directly scolding the girl anymore, more like generally complaining while walking around the room. Katherine was grateful for it- not having a death glare aimed at her was way less intimidating, maybe that was what led her to say what she said next.

“I don’t need to be ‘taken out’. I’m not some stupid kid that needs everyone for everything! I can do things on my own!” Part of her hoped that raising her voice would make Jane snap at her too, so that at least they would be both yelling at each other equally. For better or for worse, there was only a heavy silence. 

“What did you say?” The low tone Jane used was dangerous. It made the girl swallow back her words, looking down at the floor in regret.

“Nothing.” She mumbled, even though she was sure Jane couldn’t hear her. It was probably for the best, if Katherine had said it louder maybe Jane would be able to pick up the resentment in her voice.

“You’re not a child? Is that what you’re saying?” Jane didn’t wait for an answer as she rushed past the teen and grabbed the other pink pillow that laid on her bed, along with the pastel-purple blanket. She got out of the room in the direction of Katherine’s, the girl close behind with wide tearful eyes.

“Since you’re not ‘some stupid kid’, you can sleep in your own room.” She threw the items at the younger's bed, but they didn’t stay there very long as Katherine grabbed them back.

“N-no! That was not what I meant- please mum don’t-” The former queen was shoving the blanket back at Jane’s arms, as if the blonde would have no choice but to love her again if Kitty could trick her into holding it. Stuttering and red with the effort of holding back tears. Honestly, the sight must have been pathetic.

“And since you’re not a child you won’t be needing this.” Jane interrupted her pitiful cries, going around the room to get the stuffed whale sitting on her nightstand, and also pulling her night light out of the plug socket.

(Anna had got home one evening with the gift. “It’s something called a night light,” she explained with a smile, “I thought it might help you sleep better.”

Katherine studied the light, passing her finger through the little shapes and patterns on the plastic. It was pink, like most things she owned, she hoped it wouldn’t create a reddish scary light. 

“Honey.” She looked up quickly to Jane smiling cheerfully, with an expecting gaze at her. “What do we say to Anna?”

Kitty's face warmed up in embarrassment. Right.

“Thank you, Anna.”)

“No!” She tossed the blanket aside and tried to get the things out of Jane’s hands. But, unfortunately, the woman gave her a pointed stare before pulling it out of her reach.

“You said it yourself. You are not a child, you don’t need a stuffie or a little light.” 

“I don’t but-” She wouldn’t cry. She could _not_ cry. 

“And since you don’t need _anyone_ to do you _anything,_ you might as well take care of your own laundry, right? Or your own lunch? Or your own chores?”

Katherine sat on the edge of her bed, arms crossed and eyes shut trying not to cry. It was not fair! She _could_ do those things on her own if Jane taught her how to… she really, _really_ could.

Jane seemed like she wanted an answer. Katherine didn’t have one. It made her think about what the others said, about her being spoiled and Jane being kind to help her so much.

“I’m sorry.” Wrong answer.

She heard the blonde sighing before going in direction to the door. Katherine was quick to get on her feet to follow her mother.

Jane turned back around so fast it made Katherine stop dead in her tracks. “Sit back down. Right now.” She barked.

“I wanna stay with you!” Kitty said, this time with much less conviction, full of frustration and desire to not make things any worse for herself than it already was.

“No. Now you’ll learn what ‘not being a child and not needing me’ means. You’ll stay here and think about what you’ve done.”

“You can’t do that!” But Katherine knew better. Jane could do that. She absolutely could.

The door slammed loudly, leaving the girl alone to cry. She threw herself in bed, burying her face into the pillow before screaming as loud as she could. It was tantrum-ish, she knew, but it did the trick. The scream was the kick off for the loud sobbing that followed the tiredness until she finally cried herself to sleep, praying that when she woke up her mum would be back.

  
  


***************

  
  


Katherine woke up startled by a loud noise coming from the first floor. Her heart was racing, mostly due to the turbulent dreams she had rather than to being awakened abruptly. That happened every now and then- some vague bad dreams that she couldn’t exactly remember but that would always make her wake up anxious.

She got up, noticing that the wet spot from tears on her pillow had long dried off and the sun was setting. She must have slept too much. She looked around for her phone to check the time before remembering Jane still had it.

_Right_ , Jane was mad at her. She bit her nails at the uncertainty of what was about to come. Hopefully the blonde had forgiven her by now.

She walked down the stairs, quickly fixing her headband when she caught a glimpse of her reflexion in the mirror. She didn’t look so good, but maybe Jane would be pleased to show her off wearing the full outfit to Catalina.

“Kitty! You’re finally up!” Anna announced, making all eyes turn to her. Jane was sitting at the kitchen table with Catalina. She didn’t look mad. Before Kitty knew, the fourth queen was by her side, taking her hand. “The two groups got together for dinner. Everyone was sad you and Jane weren’t there, but don’t worry I bought you a really good dessert they had. Oh, and Joan said hi.”

Katherine didn’t take eyes off Jane as she smiled politely and walked to the kitchen table, failing to notice Anna’s hurt frown at being practically ignored. Jane for sure didn’t seem mad (she always looked content at being with Catalina), but normally she would have already jumped off of her seat to gush over a sleepy Kitty. Catalina looked up at Katherine when she approached them with hesitant steps.

“Hello there, mi amor.”

“Hi.” She responded in a small voice, feeling as if Jane would snap at her at any second for trying to interact with her, but also like her mother instincts would be too strong and force her to pamper her daughter if she acted small enough. For better or for worse, neither of those things happened. Jane just kept looking at the things Catalina was showing her- pictures from their day out and items from the Hampton Court’s gift shop.

Katherine just stood there, observing Jane look through the things with an excited smile and listening to Catalina talk. It felt like she had to fight her body to stay still, to not give in the urge to throw herself into Jane’s arms and beg for forgiveness. She regretted talking back to her. 

She wanted to be taken care of again.

“Mommy, I’m hungry!” She realized she announced too loudly when Anna, Anne and Cathy, who were watching tv at the living room turned around to look at her. Catalina smiled at the adorableness of Kitty’s words, while the three remaining queens tried not to laugh. Jane looked at her quickly with a small smile.

“Lina bought us dinner, honey. It’s on the counter.” And with that she was back at studying a leather bound notebook.

Katherine felt her anxiety rising along her heart beats. _‘Mommy’ didn’t work_ . ‘Mommy’ never _ever_ not worked before. It was more powerful than Mum and Mama _combined_ . Sure, one could argue that Jane was not necessarily mean to her, she was quite nice actually, but Katherine knew better. She knew that a sleepy Kitty calling her Mommy and asking to be fed would _not_ receive that reaction on any normal day.

She fidgeted in her place, trying not to look too pouty.

“I want apple sandwiches.” 

“There’s apples and peanut butter in the fridge, the granola is on the top cabinet.” Jane still said it with the same cheerfulness in her voice, but she didn’t turn around to look at her. She didn’t even complain that the girl wanted to replace dinner for a snack!

“I don’t know how to do it.” That made Catalina chuckle and Jane look at her properly for the first time that night. The smug smile was so subtly hidden, mixed with a genuine one, with one eyebrow arched so slightly it made Katherine wonder if she imagined it. She was getting used to nitpicking every bit of Jane’s reactions.

“It’s just cutting an apple and putting peanut butter and granola between the slices, sweetie. I’m sure you can handle it.”

The girl turned around before she could squirm under Jane’s full attention. She got the ingredients, knowing that due to her agitation she might have hit the cabinet door a little too strongly, and put it in front of Jane expectantly.

When the blonde just blinked at her instead of starting to make her snack (instead of _caring_ for her, showing that she still _loved_ her, just doing anything to end that helpless feeling that told Kitty that she was all alone!) she felt her breathing fastening.

“I want _you_ to do it.” She realized how demanding she sounded when Catalina jokily raised an eyebrow at Jane. She sure looked bratty with her tight fists and bitten lip to prevent her from shaking, and surely her rapid breathing that looked like a toddler ready to throw a tantrum didn’t help.

“Well, I’m sorry but I won’t do it, dear. I’m busy.” The tone was as firm as Jane would use on Kitty when they were on a good day, which was not very stern. But Katherine could hear the underlying edge very clearly, and it cut her so, so deep. Her mother wasn’t supposed to be refusing to make her a kid’s snack; she wasn’t supposed to ignore her (she wasn’t ignoring her, but she was _ignoring_ her, Katherine knew the difference!). She felt the tears fighting to pour.

Jane was ignoring her. Her mum was _leaving_ her. The snack was just the first steep, soon she would stop hugging her, then stop loving her. Katherine would be on her own.

“I told you to do it NOW!”

She wasn’t the only one to get startled by her own thundering scream. It made Jane jump and drop her phone in surprise. Anne, Anna and Cathy turned around immediately in sync with wide eyes. It was Catalina who broke the silence in a sharp, loud voice.

The eldest woman got up, and if Katherine still had any sight of wrath inside of her, it died when put under the stern gaze.

“Katherine Howard! You can’t talk to anyone like this. Especially not Jane.”

“S-she-” The girl tried, but no justifiable explanation came out.

“She does everything you want and it’s not acceptable for you to yell at her when she doesn’t want to immediately obey your whims.” Catalina was mad. Anna and Cathy were already by their side frowning at her in disappointment. The sensation was horrible. Jane just looked… shocked, both at Katherine’s and Catalina’s reactions.

“She doesn’t wanna do it ‘cause she’s mad at me.” It came out like a pathetic meowing, and surely her pout and bent head helped to complete the look of a spoiled child receiving a scolding. At least that made Catalina take pity on her, she sighed and took the youngest’s hands.

“Kitty, Jane does those things because she loves you and wants to make you feel cared for, not because she _has to_.” Katherine looked down in shame. The eyes judging her were too much. The heavy silence as everyone watched how the situation would turn out, if she would scream at anyone else as the spoiled brat that she was. “That means you’re not entitled to those things. Jane is not your maid and it’s definitely not acceptable for you to yell at her, or anyone for that matter, when they don’t want to do something for you for whatever reason it might be.”

The girl nodded her head, looking down again when she caught a glimpse of Anne’s frown and crossed arms. There was another silence as everyone seemed to wait for something, maybe for Katherine to apologize or maybe for Jane to continue the scolding herself. Kat fidgeted in her place. The first option seemed better.

“I’m sorry.” And with that, all eyes were on Jane, waiting for her response.

The blonde looked around with slightly wide eyes, uncomfortable with all that attention on her.

“O-oh… it's okay, sweetie. Just don’t let it happen again, okay?” Jane's voice was soft. It sounded almost like the woman Kitty ran to when she had a bad dream, like the voice that would sing her back to sleep. Nothing like Cold Jane or Angry Jane that would lose her on a tube station. It made the youngest’s heart skip a beat in hope, but it also turned her face red in shame.

It made her guilty, she had yelled at Jane in front of everyone like a self-indulgent toddler, and all Jane did was forgive her lovingly. The others shook their head slightly in disapproval. They had every reason to, she knew, but it still hurt to be stared at like the child that was throwing a tantrum at the grocery store and giving their mother a hard time.

She nodded, and right as she was about to take a step closer to her mother (to maybe get a hug and make sure things were ok between them) Jane turned around in the chair and went back to studying the gifts. And just like that it was like Jane declared the scene to be over.

Catalina took her seat back at the table, and Cathy and Anna walked back to the couch, Anne stared at her for a little longer in a way the girl couldn’t decipher before turning back to the tv.

Katherine just stood there, watching everyone go back to their earlier activity. No one said she was not welcomed, but she still felt the pain when no one said anything as she went back to her room.

  
  


********

Katherine stared at the ceiling, lying in bed with her stomach aching with hunger. The house was quiet now. She had spent the rest of the evening just quietly staring at her wall, or passing around the room. She had tried going to Jane’s room to find her phone back, and maybe steal some of the snacks they had prepared for their picnic, but the door was locked. She took the hint that Jane did not want her snooping around her bedroom while she was downstairs, so she went back to her own room to wait for the time pass.

She had no books (she was not the best at reading), no cellphone, no tv and no companionship. It gave her an evening alone with her thoughts. She _definitely_ didn’t like that.

But the tourture was over when she heard everyone exchange good nights. There was a knock on her door and she sat up hopeful. Jane came to get her to sleep with her!

“Kitty?” She tried not showing her disappointment when it was Catalina and Anna who opened her door. “We just came here to wish you a goodnight.”

“Good night, Kitkat!” Anne yelled out from the staircase, making Catalina roll her eyes.

“Oh!” That was weird. She didn’t think they’d still want to talk to her, not that fast at least. Oh… they probably wanted to continue their talk about how unacceptable her behaviour was today. She braced herself for when they’d fully enter the room. “Thank you. Goodnight to you too, I hope you sleep well.” She hoped her manners would make it easier on her.

With that they smiled at her and closed the door.

_Oh._ Weird.

After she heard all the doors closing, she took her blanket and pillow and went to Jane’s bedroom. It was ok that the blonde hadn’t come to get her, Katherine would go there herself. They were almost fine now, and Kitty was wearing Jane’s favorite pajamas that she looked ‘oh so adorable’ in.

She knocked three hesitant times before turning the handle. Locked.

“Mum?” She called through the closed door, hope rising when she heard the blonde moving at the other side. Maybe Jane was not ignoring her!

The door opened and Katherine smiled at the sight of the blonde.

“Yes?” Jane didn’t make way for the girl to get in. Kitty’s smile fell a little at the tone.

“Hi.” She looked behind Jane, at the comfy bed that made her feel safe, and at her things cornered on the nightstand table.

“Can I help you?” The tiniest bit of hope she had died at the cold voice and arched eyebrow. She thought they were fine. She _hoped_ they were fine.

Suddenly she felt pitiable, holding her blanket like a homeless child begging for a place to sleep. She wanted to throw them away as if Jane hadn’t already seen it, like she wasn’t already mocking the girl in her mind for thinking she would be able to sleep with her.

“Can I have my things, please?” She did the best she could to not make her voice sound resentful and angry. Jane wouldn’t be pleased with those feelings, and Katherine just wanted to be forgiven as soon as possible.

The older woman turned around and went in direction to the nightstand, not seeing the sadness as Kitty stared at her and at the room. Soon she was at the door again handing the girl her phone.

Katherine stared at it for a second, only speaking up in distress when Jane moved to close the door. She really wanted to stay with her for a little longer.

“Can I have the rest of my things too, please?” She mumbled.

Jane smiled like Katherine had just said the most entertaining thing in the world, leaning in against the door frame and frowning exaggeratedly.

“You mean your plushy and your little night light?” The condescending tone made her wince a little. She had never heard that tone coming from Jane before, maybe from Anne and Cathy in a teasing manner and with nowhere close to that much venom, but never from Jane. The blonde would use a cooing voice when Kitty was particularly vulnerable (God, how she wished she could hear that voice now), the resemblance of those two voices made her skin crawl.

“Yes, please.” It came out as a choked sound.

“Why do you want them? They are children things, and you are not a _stupid child_ are you?”

_In and out…_

She would have disappeared right there if she could.

Jane raised an eyebrow, seemingly waiting for an answer. Well, she wouldn’t get one from Katherine that night. The girl just stared at a spot (the small mark on Jane’s floor that looked like an airplane, but that Catalina insisted it was a cross), relishing the few seconds she still had with her mother. There was a loud sigh.

“Goodnight, Katherine.” Then, the door closed.

She turned around to look at her own bedroom. It never seemed so dark and cold before.


End file.
